Dreams and Destinies {Living a Passionate, Purposeful Life}

Recently, on a Women's Retreat I heard Christine Caine speak for the first time.  Before that Saturday morning, I had never heard of this woman from down under.  But once I listened to her, I haven't been able to get her or her passion out of my head.  You see, the way she spoke (and the words she said) struck a cord in my heart.  Her enthusiasm and excitement and zeal were undeniable.  This woman radically loved Jesus and was seeking Him with ALL her heart, soul, mind, and strength.  She was pursuing Him with every fiber of her being.  And she wasn't shy about it at all.

As I watched and listened to Christine Caine, something was stirred up within me.
The Holy Spirit.

Yes, Christine Caine is an author, a pastor, well-known, respected, famous.
But, she is no different than me.
Not really.
We were both created by God.
We have both been given unique talents and abilities.
We are both called to use those gifts for God's glory.
We are both here on this earth for a specific reason.
We both have purpose.
We both have a God-appointed destiny.

And just like Christine Caine, I can CHOOSE to live my life with a deep-rooted passion.
I can DECIDE to fix my eyes on Jesus, to run the race He has set before me.
I can wake up every morning and DETERMINE to make that day count, to live life to the fullest.
I can COMMIT to giving God my all, laying it all on the line (just as He did for me on the cross) and forsaking all else so that I might first and foremost know Him and in the process make Him known.

Just like Christine Caine, I am CALLED.
I am CHOSEN.
I have been adopted into God's family.
I am His child.
Dearly loved.

Just like Christine Caine, I can live the abundant life for which I was created.
Jesus was very explicit in John 10:10, "I have come that you may have life abundant."
He did not exclude anyone from this.
He did not require fame or fortune for this abundant life.
It's available for anyone, everyone.
It does not depend on your gender, culture, social status, bank account, or anything else.
The offer stands for anyone, everyone.
Anyone who will accept Him that is.
For this abundant life is found in Jesus and Jesus alone.
But the offer is good for anyone, everyone.

Including Christine Caine.
Including me.
Including YOU.

And so, if Christine Caine can live with such passion and purpose, so can I.
So can YOU.

Since that weekend, I have been daring to dream again.
Big dreams.
Humanly impossible dreams.
Dreams that may seem silly or selfish to some.
Dreams that may seem pointless to others.
But they are my dreams, nonetheless.
I believe they are more than that, though.
I am 100% confident they are GOD'S dreams.
He has laid them on my heart, put them on my mind.
And He won't let me shake them.
I wake up and they are still there, bigger and stronger and more intense than the day before.

Thus, I feel compelled to do everything I can to pursue them.
In so doing, I may be selling health products or helping people have babies or changing diapers or reading stories or playing dress up or folding laundry or preparing meals or chatting over coffee with friends, but in the end, the ultimate goal and purpose in all those things is rooted in the overwhelming passion and desire to KNOW Jesus and make Him known.

In this blog series, I want to share my heart, and my dreams.
I want to explain what I am learning about living a passionate, purposeful life.
I hope to inspire and encourage you to look deep within your heart, to awaken the dreams God has put within you.
I pray you will be strengthened and empowered to pursue Christ with every fiber of your being.
I long for you to join me on this quest to KNOW Jesus and make Him known.

For only as we hunger and thirst for Jesus, will we be filled.
Only as we lose everything for His sake, will we find our true purpose in living.
Only as we put aside fear and doubt and courageously live by faith, will we experience the abundant life to which God has called us.
Only as we trust our Creator and Savior with every aspect of our lives, will we become the men and women He has created us to be.

Only then can we truly see our dreams come true.
Only then can we fulfill our divinely appointed destinies.
Only then can we life a passionate, purposeful, MEANINGFUL life.

I am so excited to have you on this journey with me.
Like Paul, I am not saying I have already achieved these things or reached perfection, but rather I am inviting you to join me as "I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling me."

If you could see me right now, you would know that I am jumping up and down.
I can't help but smile.
A fire is burning in my belly.
I KNOW this is the purpose for which I was created.
I KNOW this is of God.

And yet, I am scared out of my mind.
I am worried about what people will think.
Will they think I am weird?  crazy?  that I have lost my mind?  gone over the top?  taken it too far?

Maybe.
Probably.

But you know what?
That's a GOOD thing!!!

So, I am taking a deep breath.
I am nodding my head, saying, "Okay.  It's GO time.  Let's do this."
I exhale, offer a silent prayer that God would bless this, be honored by it, and accomplish far more through it than I could ever even begin to imagine, and push PUBLISH...

I Can't Do It All

As a mother of 3 small children, the discouraging thought has been running through my mind and burying itself deep into my heart as of late.

I hear the whisper in my ear when I step into the kitchen and see the sink full of dirty dishes.
The noise gets louder as I go upstairs and come face to face with the baskets of clean laundry needing to be put away while the dirty clothes continue to pile up in the hampers.

Seemingly, the entire house is plotting against me.
The toys won't stay put up, no matter how many times I pick them up and place them in their proper places.  The meals don't fix themselves.  The children don't dress themselves or fed themselves or bathe themselves or drive themselves to all the places they need to go.  The bills don't pay themselves.  The fridge doesn't fill itself with food, nor do the cars fill their tanks on their own.  The toilets aren't self-cleaning, and the floors haven't figured out how to sweep, mop, or vacuum themselves yet either.

All throughout the day, the thought is pounded into my head over and over and over again:

I can't do it all!

I climb into bed each night, having done the best I could, but knowing I didn't finish everything on my list and fully realizing the list will be waiting for me in the morning, with more things to add to it.  I lay my head on the pillow, hoping to rest, to get a break, even for just a few hours.

The baby doesn't seem to understand this, however.

And so, I am up multiple times rocking and shhhing and nursing and holding and reminding myself this is just a season of life, a short season.  I know if I blink too many more times, my babies will be graduating from college and walking down the aisle in beautiful gowns and starting their own families.  I try to cherish the moment.  I tell myself to savor them, to hold them close.  

But, if I am honest, I am tired.

Exhausted.

And I can't do it all.

I just can't.

I'm not a machine.

Granted, I have good intentions. 

My alarm is set for 5 am.

I plan on getting up early to work out, read my Bible, pray, journal, blog.

I envision getting chores done before the children are awake and needing my constant attention.

I dream of peace and quiet.

The baby's cries quickly jolt me back to reality...

After an interrupted night, the new day begins and it starts all over again.

Dishes.

Laundry.

Picking up and cleaning and organizing.

Homeschool.

Making special memories with the girls, or at least trying to have fun with them.

Breaking up fights.

Running errands.

Fixing meals.

Being a wife.

A friend.

A church member who wants to contribute to the community she loves.

A daughter.

Running a successful health and wellness business.

Whew!  

I'm tired just thinking about it all.

Again, I close my eyes and shake my head.

I can't do it all.

I simply can't.

As much as I want to throw my hands up in the air or go hide in the bathroom, that won't work.

The children always find me.

It's like the KNOW when I have to pee and that's the exact moment they need me the most.

Or just HAVE to be WITH me.

The closed door is an invitation to stick hands under it and do their best to reach out for you.

If they are smart, they take advantage of the time left alone to destroy the toy room you just cleaned up or to "bless" you by getting their own snack or pouring themselves a glass of milk all by themselves like a big girl...

So running away isn't really an option.

You'll just have more work when you get back.

Quitting isn't possible either.

Not really.

So, I'm left to do it all.

But I can't.

It's impossible.

Or is it?

Zechariah 8:6 (yes odd place to look) gives me hope:

"This is what the Lord of Heaven's Armies says; All this may SEEM impossible to you now, a small remnant of God's people.  But is it impossible for ME? says the Lord of Heaven's Armies."

And countless times throughout the New Testament, I am told:

NOTHING is impossible for God.

Not a virgin birth.

Not raising a dead girl back to life.

Not feeding 5,000+ people with just 5 loaves and 2 fish.

Not restoring sight to a man blind since birth.

Not healing a woman sick for 12 years.

Not walking on water.

Not coming back to life after 3 days and saving from their sins anyone who will believe.

In fact, God is an expert at doing the impossible.

Ephesians 3:20 has been a verse I am clinging to lately:

"Now all glory to God, who is ABLE, through His might power at work WITHIN us, to accomplish INFINITELY MORE than we might ask or think."

Then there's Paul's honest confession of his personal weakness and the opportunity it provides for God to shine through and display His power:

"Each time He said, 'My grace is all you need.  My power works best in WEAKNESS.'  So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 

~2 Corinthians 2:9

How refreshing to know I don't have to be strong.

I don't have to do it all.

In fact, I shouldn't even begin to try.

Rather...

Much like the Israelites at the Red Sea, I need only "stand still and watch."  

Instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I should, "stay calm."

"But Moses told the people, 'Don't be afraid.  Just STAN STILL AND WATCH the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again.  The Lord Himself will fight for you.  JUST STAY CALM.'"  ~Exodus 14:13-14

We see the same thing happen once more in Exodus 17 when Moses tells Joshua to fight the army of Amalek.  As long as Moses held his hands up, the Israelites were winning.  When Moses' arms got tired, Aaron and Hur held them up.  And the Israelites won!!!  God had fought for them.

Moses reminded the nation of God's faithfulness and urged them to keep trusting Him as they prepared to enter the Promised Land.  Before he handed over the leadership responsibilities to Joshua, he spoke to the people in Deuteronomy 1:30, "The Lord your God is going ahead of you.  He will FIGHT FOR YOU, just as you saw Him do in Egypt."

Good news, my dear and tired friends!  

We serve the SAME GOD today!!!

He hasn't stopped fighting for us.

He is still a master at parting Red Seas and defeating enemy armies.

He is still capable of making the lame walk, the blind see, and even the dead be raised back to life.

This same God not only fights for us, but REJOICES over us:

"For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a might Savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With His love, He will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

Zephaniah 3:17

As He quiets me, He FILLS me.

With His strength and power and hope and joy and peace.

Right before the amazing promise in Ephesians 3:20, we see THIS:

"I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit.  Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him.  Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is."

As we are filled with God Himself, we can say as Paul did in Philippians 4:13:

I CAN DO ALL THINGS through Christ, who gives me strength!

Not of ourselves.

We most certainly fall short.

We get overwhelmed.

Tired.

Discouraged.

Defeated.

And just when we think we can't go on, when we throw in the towel and hang our heads to walk away, THAT is when Jesus comes along side us (He's been there all along), touches our shoulder, turns our head to Him, looks us in the eye, and whispers in our ear, 

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." 

~Matthew 11:28

How delighted I am to know it's okay that I can't do it all.

That I am never asked to.

With a huge sigh of relief, I gladly hand over my burdens to my Jesus.

I find hope in the promise from Isaiah:

Have you never heard?

    Have you never understood?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

    the Creator of all the earth.

He never grows weak or weary.

    No one can measure the depths of his understanding.

29 

He gives power to the weak

    and strength to the powerless.

30 

Even youths will become weak and tired,

    and young men will fall in exhaustion.

31 

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

    They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

    They will walk and not faint.

I may not be soaring like an eagle yet, but for now I have the inner strength to make the climb up the stairs to get the crying baby who just woke up from her nap.  I have the patience to tell the girls to pick up the toys AGAIN while I make them lunch.  I have the joy to see the positive in my crazy, chaotic life...

God Sees Me {Part 4}

We celebrated my baby girl's FIRST birthday this week, so I took a break from our God Sees Me series, but today I want to conclude with a story that had my jaw on the floor as God confirmed in an astounding way that He does indeed see me, hear me, love me, and want what is best for me.  

If you remember, I went on a Women's Retreat last weekend, having just finished up Sara Hagerty's new book Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet (highly recommend it, but have your Kleenex ready).

As I drove to spend the next couple days with some amazing sister friends, I had God's precious promise tucked deep within my heart.

All throughout the weekend, God continued to help me uncover this treasured truth.  From having the opportunity to be real, honest, authentic with my small group as I shared my big, scary, humanly impossible, only-God-can-do-it dream on Saturday morning (see Part 1) to Christine Caine's message challenging me to speak God's Word over the fact of my circumstances and boldly enter the Promised Land of freedom (see Part 2) to telling my small group how God had miraculously provided for a dear friend in direct response to my prayers earlier in the week (see Part 3), I was overwhelmed with His faithfulness and goodness.  I was reminded of the DEPTH of His love for me, and also inspired to live in response to that amazing, gracious, abundant love.  I could have gone home with an overflowing heart on Saturday night, but as the snow fell, God kept pouring out more of Himself into my soul.

Sunday morning, our children's pastor spoke to us live in person.  She had missed the first part of the retreat due to a surprise vacation her husband had planned that just so happened to coincide with the retreat.  We were all delighted to see her Saturday evening, and I was excited to see what God had laid on her heart to share with us as we wrapped up the weekend on Sunday morning.  

After sharing some laughs about various real life moments, Jeanne explained how God had very directly laid the story of Hagar on her heart.  The story of Abraham and Sarah's slave woman was not what Jeanne had expected to speak on, but of all the things God could have given her, that is what He did.  And so, she obediently prepared a message from Genesis chapters 16 and 21. 

The topic couldn't have been more perfect.

I am surprised I didn't cry out when she read from Genesis 16:

"Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her.

She said, 'You are the God who sees me.' 

She also said, 'Have I truly seen the One who sees me?'

So that well was named Beer-lahai-roi (which means "Well of the Living One who sees me").

It can still be found between Kadesh and Bered.

Of all the things Jeanne could have spoken on, God put Hagar on her heart.  

Of all the passages in Scripture, Jeanne could have used, God directed her to Genesis 16 where we see Him called a new name - the God who sees.

And if that wasn't enough, she continued and read more of Hagar's story in Genesis 21.  Even though we do not see God called by this new name here, we do recognize once more that He SAW Hagar, and her son Ishmael.  We can't deny His love for her, as displayed in His faithful and gracious provision for them, as they sat in the wilderness to die.  Instead, He opens Hagar's eyes so that SHE CAN SEE the well and get something for her son to drink.

The God who sees helped His daughter see...

Yes, the God who sees me, who sees YOU, first helps us see Himself.
He shows us who He is...

He opens our eyes so we can see what He is doing all around us...

He shows us the path He has laid out for us...

And if we are willing, His hand is reaching out, ready for us to take hold, so He can guide us every single step of the way...

I don't know where you are at today.

I don't know everything you are going through right now.

But one thing I know for sure: GOD SEES YOU.

And He loves you.

He cares about you, deeply.

He died that you might live.

And now, today, He wants to fill you with His power and presence and peace and joy and hope.

He wants to make Himself known to you.

Open your eyes so you can see...

For the God who sees you is ready to show you marvelous things today.

I smile as I look at this beautiful butterfly.

This picture is yet another reminder to me of God's amazing eyesight and His attention to the smallest of details in my life.

You see, my baby girl turned one on the 19th.  For her birthday party that we will be having with family this coming week, we are having a BUTTERFLY theme.  As I was writing this God Sees Me series, I was filled with excitement and anticipation as I felt God on the move within me.  I could sense Him working in me and THROUGH me.  He was whispering to me all over again, "I know your dreams.  I placed them there in your heart.  Are you ready to become the new creation I designed you to be?  Are you ready to see your dreams come true?"

I posted a picture of a different butterfly with the verse 2 Corinthians 5:17, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has gone; the new has come."

At the time, I also saw this picture, 

and I think it's a fitting way to conclude this post and the series all together.  As we rest in the promise that GOD SEES US, may we then keep our eyes open to see Him in a new, fresh light.  

More so, may we begin to see ourselves the way our Creator sees us.  

And in so doing, may we join together in a RESOLVE TO BE NEW.  

Kyiah Hesed {One Year Old}

Today, we stopped by Lawrence's school to drop off crickets for the class frog.  As I chatted with the secretary in the office, I asked her if she remembered the phone call I made last year on this day.

I hadn't wanted to call.
I didn't want to let her know I was in labor.
Granted, I was 15 days past my due date, and everyone was expecting me to have the baby at any point, but still, I didn't want anyone to know when contractions actually started.

I had told my midwife earlier that afternoon when I was at her house for a prenatal appointment.  Hoping it would be my last one, but not overly excited about the contractions I was having, despite their regularity at 5 minutes by the time I left her house to make the nearly hour drive home.  I assured her I would give her a call that night if anything noteworthy was happening.

My previous 2 labors were relatively fast.
9 hours.
6 hours.
But for some reason, I was anticipating a long, hard, drawn-out labor this time around.  I had heard those 3rd babies could throw you for a loop.

Well, mine did.
But not the way I was thinking...

A friend came over to wrap at 3 pm.
I was having contractions the entire time she was there tightening, toning, and firming.
When she left at 4, I helped a friend order some greens, taking his information while having pretty strong contractions.  Hanging up the phone, I decided I was indeed in labor and to the point where I would really appreciate a back rub or massage.

I looked at the clock.
4:30.
The secretary would be in the office for another 15 minutes at least.
I could wait...

2 minutes later, I was on the floor, dialing the number and trying to hide any emotion from voice.  When she excitedly asked me if I was in labor, I tried to be as non-chalant as possible.  Maybe.
As soon as Lawrence came on the line, I told him to come home NOW.

Thankfully, we live a mile from his school.
If you want to read the whirlwind of a birth story, check it out here!

For now, let's just say I didn't give him much time to get his head in the game.
Kyiah Hesed was born at 4:54, just 22 minutes after I called him to come home!

Our midwife didn't quite get there in time, seeing as how Kyiah decided to come so quickly.

Time hasn't slowed down much in the past year!  Today, my baby girl turned ONE!!!
How is that even possible?

The bow is bigger than she is, but let me assure you what this little girl lacks in size, she certainly makes up for in personality (much like her 2 older sisters - she has to keep up with them, right)!

She is excellent at making her voice known, and has started saying a few words - mainly Mama, which I am perfectly okay with for now.

She has no fear and is learning to climb - the stairs, onto chairs, and I'm sure she'll be standing on top of the table some morning in the near future when I turn around to get something in the fridge.

Her smile is precious.  Her giggle contagious.  One of my most favorite noises is hearing all 3 of my girls laugh and play together.  I am beyond blessed.

Dance parties are a current favorite

She's been walking for almost 3 months now, so she's almost an expert really.  She just about has running down pat.  She can certainly get where she wants to go, and fast.

One thing she hasn't seemed to master yet is sleeping.  The child has not figured out that 6-8 hours of solid sleep is a beautiful thing.  She doesn't understand that "absence makes the heart grow fonder," but rather likes to make sure I am doing okay all throughout the night.  Every 2-3 hours or so, she lets me know she was thinking about me... So sweet of her...

Maybe this lack of sleep is due to the fact that she is getting her molars in.  Well, the 2 of them up top are already there and the bottom 2 are well on their way.  No fever or anything to give me a clue this was happening and that my baby girl was growing up before my very eyes.  It just happened.  Without my permission...

Put those teeth to good use eating an apple

As I again realize how quickly time flies, I am reminding myself once more to cherish every moment, to soak it all in, while I can.

At night lately, as I try to hold and rock my baby girl, I pray over her, asking God to help her hunger and thirst for Him, to love Him with an all-out passion and to live wholeheartedly with resolute purpose.  I pray for her to live up to her name Kyiah Hesed - LIFE, steadfast, loyal, faithful.  I long to see her used of God to make Him known, to be a living testimony of His unending, never-failing abundant, gracious love for us.

If you want to know more about how we came to choose her name and why it has such special meaning to us, check out this post I wrote back when she was born.

Sadly, my prayers over her can't be too long, at least not if I want to be holding and rocking her while saying them.  Kyiah isn't one to sit still for long at all.  She's a squirmy wormy girl, as her 2 older sisters were.  I like to believe that this an indication that my daughters are movers and shakers.  They will get things done.  They will impact lives and change the world.

Heck, they already are.
They've changed my life for sure!!!

I still haven't figured out how a year has gone by, but it has.
Happy birthday, my precious Kyiah Hesed!!!
I love you to the moon and back!

Yes, go, my love. Go, and change the world!

God Sees Me {Part 3}

Several times yesterday and again this morning, I have gotten messages and texts from people encouraged by the promise that God sees them.  Others have commented on my posts on Facebook, letting me know they needed that word at that very moment in their lives.  Each time, I am reminded yet again that God does indeed see me.  And you.

If you missed Part 1 or Part 2 of this series, be sure to catch up and then come back here to continue on as I share more about the way God revealed this precious truth to me during Women's Retreat this past weekend.

Before I dive in, I have to smile.  I just turned on the radio to listen to K-Love while I type, and what would be playing except for the song God has been using to reinforce the reality of the power inside of me, the divine power that strengthens me and enables me to gain the victory over my enemy, who doesn't seem to want to admit he's a loser and will never ever be able to defeat me.  He's a persistent fellow, and as he launches attack after attack after attack on me, I will keep on reminding him, "Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world!"

Okay, now that I've got that beat in my heart, I can go on about how God made Himself known to me as I spent the weekend with my sister friends from church.  But first, I have to trace my steps and share a story about the day BEFORE the Women's Retreat...

On Wednesday evening, I got a message from a friend.
She was extremely discouraged.
Overwhelmed with life's circumstances.
The frustrations.
The disappointments.
The difficulties.
The were just too much.
For too long.
She was ready to give up and throw in the towel.
She had poured her heart out to God, and He hadn't seem to hear.
He didn't seem to be coming through for her and her family.

Devastated.
Heartbroken.
I went before God for my friend.
I got on my knees, pleading for her.  Begging God to act on her behalf.  Pleading with Him to make Himself known, to show her His love, to flood her with His grace, to blow her away with His faithfulness, to simply provide for her needs.

I had planned a prayer time with my It Works team for Thursday morning at 10.  I took each name before the Lord, asking Him to bless their marriages, to give them wisdom in parenting, and for other requests they had as individuals.  I also petitioned for my friend, for she had been longing to join my team, but finances hadn't worked out.  Something was always coming up.  She was getting impatient.  Tired of waiting.  And so I prayed for her too, that God would make a way, that He would break through her situation in such a way that we would have to give Him all the glory.

I'm not sure what time my friend called me, but she did.
Excited.
Elated.
"I'm ready to sign up for It Works!"

What?!
This was a complete turn around from last night.
How was this possible?

Because my God SEES me.
And He HEARS me.

He saw my friend.
He heard her cries.
And answered.
In a big way.

She had gotten a check for $500 from a random church.
Talk about coming through in a big way.
In a God-alone-could-have-done-that way.

Much like He had when Kellah (now almost 3) was just born.  We were on WIC, not knowing how in the world to pay our bills, buy food, put gas in the cars - one of which was on its last mile and not really safe to drive in the first place.  We were desperate.  And completely dependent on God to provide for us.  He HAD to come through for us.

He saw us then.
He heard our prayers.
And answered.
We too got a check for $500 in the mail one day.  A short note read, "Kellah is so blessed to have parents like you."
To this day, I don't know what gracious soul sent us that money, but I am eternally grateful.

Just as my friend was on Thursday.
She called me in tears.
Tears of joy.
And hope.

She came over on Friday and joined my team.  She has complete peace that God opened the door for her to do this and is expectant for Him to bless her business so that they can use her income to provide for their family.

With this amazing testimony of God's goodness, I went to Women's Retreat.
God LOVES to give us opportunities to share with others how He is at work in our lives, and so He flung the door open wide for me to do so on Saturday afternoon.  We had just completed our afternoon session, challenged once more by an amazing speaker at the IF Conference.  We then gathered in our small group once more.  We sat back down in our mismatched chairs, space heater blaring, and we pulled out another slip of paper from the bag.

"What is a way that God has answered your prayers?"

Ooooh!!!  Oooooh!!!  Pick me!! Pick me!!!  

Let me just go ahead and tell you how He answered a HUGE prayer yesterday!

We all went around and shared how God had HEARD our cries and shown Himself faithful, how He let us know that He SAW us, loved us, cared for us, and would come through for us.

As I sat there, I was overcome with the promise that the God who SEES me also HEARS me.

In fact, His hearing is much like His perfect 20/20 vision. 

This morning I read several verses in Scripture to confirm what He was already showing me:

"The Lord HEARS His people when they call to Him for help.  

He rescues them from all their troubles."  

~Psalm 34:17

"Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress,

and the Lord HEARS my voice."

~Psalm 55:17

"I love the Lord because He HEARS my voice and my prayer for mercy."

~Psalm 116:1

Every comment, message, and text I received yesterday and today, letting me know my words spoke to someone at the very moment they needed it are testimony to the promise that God not only SEES me but He HEARS me too.

He hears YOU too.

He is listening.

Call out to Him.

He delights in you.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

He DELIGHTS in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will NEVER fall,

for the Lord holds them by the hand."

~Psalm 37:23-24

"For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty Savior.

He will take DELIGHT in you with gladness.

With His love, He will calm all your fears.

He will REJOICE over you with joyful songs."

~Zephaniah 3:17

How fitting as I wrap up this post, another meaningful song lately came on the radio.  Francesca Battistelli's "He Knows My Name" couldn't have been a better way to confirm the promises God has been speaking to me time and time again the past several days:

I SEE YOU.

I HEAR YOU.

I love you...

God Sees Me {Part 2}

Yesterday, I shared how God confirmed to me on a Women's Retreat this past weekend that HE SEES ME.  Today, I want to expound on my experience at the retreat and how God continued to speak to me during every session and our small group times as well.

As I listened to the women from the IF Conference, I connected to them.  Not because I could relate to their personal stories, but rather because we serve the same God.

I have no idea what the first woman (can't remember her name for the life of me) endured while she was trapped in human trafficking.

I couldn't really relate to the second woman (can't remember her name either - I was a bit distracted by my baby girl who wasn't content to sit and listen quietly but rather wanted to play in the fireplace and such during the session) who shared how she had an amazingly close relationship with her father growing up.  My dad and I got along okay, but he was certainly not my best friend.  If anything, I was scared of him more than anything.  And when he worked in Ohio while my mom and I lived in Kansas, I didn't see him except on weekends, which were packed with athletic events, church, and homework.  Thankfully, God has healed the hurts from my relationship with my dad.  That's in the past, and now I am amazed to watch him play with my 3 daughters and love on them in the most precious way.  In turn, my girls LOVE their Grampy!

The third speaker was from Australia, abandoned as a baby, unnamed.

I am not from "down under."  I don't have a cool accent.  And my parents have wanted and loved me since birth.  BUT, as she shared her story, anyone within 300 miles of this woman would be able to sense her passion and excitement about God, about serving Him, about pursuing Him wholeheartedly and making Him known everywhere she went.  Anyone looking at her would be able to tell she lived with purpose, intent on helping others recognize the deliverance they have been given because of Jesus' death on the cross.  Anyone who took 2.4 seconds to listen to what she had to say would realize she was intent on leading others to FREEDOM so they could experience the life God has for them.

Her enthusiasm was contagious.
Her excitement bubbled out of her, hopped off the screen, and jumped inside my own belly.

As she spoke of putting generational gaps aside and working together, I wanted to shout AMEN!

As she challenged us to NOT get stuck but to remember God has given us new life, that we are new creations, I couldn't help but smile and feel good inside about who I am in Christ right now.

As she encouraged us to NOT look at ourselves as victims but to MOVE ON, I wanted to cry out, "Yes, Jesus!!  Help me do that!"

As she read Scripture and reinforced that the TRUTH of God's Word is more powerful than the fact of our circumstances, I wanted to scream out, "Yes, yes, YES!!!!  God is bigger."  I even thought about breaking out with Mercy Me's song, "Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world!"

As the session ended, and my baby girl was tugging at my arm and trying her best to rip the pen out of my hands, I jotted down:

Don't stifle my excitement or enthusiasm.

Be bold.

Be diligent.

Spark a fire!

Ignite passion...

We were then dismissed to our small groups, where we soon shared what we were longing for, where I barred my heart and let those women know the big, scary, humanly impossible, God-sized dreams stirring deep within my soul.

How fitting that not 30 minutes earlier, I had been encouraged to pursue my passions, to live boldly.  Coincidental that we first talked about how FEAR can keep us from being authentic?  I think not.

You see, I struggle with fear.

Big time.

I worry about what others will think of me.

How do I look in my clothes?

Am I thin enough?  fit enough?  stylish enough?

Heck, am I enough, period?

Do I measure up...

As a wife?  as a mother?  

What will people think of me if I talk about the wraps or greens or amazing business opportunity with It Works?  Will they roll their eyes, shake their heads, whisper behind my back?  Will they think I am crazy, gone off the deep end, obsessed?

What will people think of me if I share something God has done in my life, how I love Jesus more than anything else, how I talk with Him, how I want to do make sure I am following His plan for my life and honoring Him in all that I do?

Basically, every thing I do, every word I say, every decision I make, I am worried about what others will think.

Can we say I have a problem with fear?

At times it's crippling.

Certainly not freeing...

So, when I watched this woman on stage and heard her speak, I wanted want she had.

Courage.

I feel like I have the passion.

The enthusiasm is there.

The belief is solid.

I am confident in what God has called me to do, to be.

The problem comes when it's time to put rubber to the road.

When it's time to live out those dreams He's put in my heart, I get scared.

I worry. 

I fret.

I FEAR.

And so I hold back.

I simmer down.

I keep quiet.

I MISS OUT!!!

And not just me, but the countless lives God wants to change via the message He has given me to share with them.

I think no one sees me, shrinking back in the corner, trying to hide or at best trying to blend in.

But, GOD SEES ME.

And He knows my heart.

He's ready to unlock the chains, to set me free.

Free from myself more than anything.

And I am ready to let the chains fall.

For good.

As I am overwhelmed with the promise that GOD SEES ME, He reminds me that He has called me to help others see Him.

And so I can't keep quiet.

Not anymore.

The God who sees me accepts me the way I am.  He made me that way.  And He LOVES me.

Check out Psalm 139...

His love casts out fear.

Look in 1 John 4 for more on that...

He has called me by name.

Isaiah 49:1...

He has set a course for my life and will equip me with all I need to complete it.

2 Peter 1:3 assures me I have everything I need for this life of godliness...

The entire book of 1 Peter speaks of God's power and promises at work in my life to fulfill the calling He has for me as I use the specific, divine, supernatural gifts He has given me.

And so I am urged to live my life for the One who has saved me and set me free.

I cannot be conformed.

Rather, I must be transformed.

Then in turn, help others do the same...

Romans 12:1-2

More so, I am asked to consider everything else rubbish in comparison to KNOWING this God and invited to pursue Him with every fiber of my being, giving all I have and leaving everything else behind so that I can receive the ultimate prize when I finally stand before my Savior and King.

Philippians 3:7-14

Finally, I am reminded that I am NOT alone on this journey.

Others have gone before me.

More are traveling with me, blinders on, eyes FIXED on Jesus, set on a common goal.

Take a look in Hebrews 12, and glance back at chapter 11 while you're there...

Then, know this...still more are following behind me, behind YOU, behind US.

I am showing them the way.  So are you.

The future generation depends on ME (and YOU).

Just as I didn't get where I am today on my own, they will not get where they need to be without me, without you, without US.

Someone paid the price for me.  For you.

Shouldn't I then, also be willing to pay the price for those yet to come. 

For my daughters.

And hopefully my sons...

THIS is why I can't be quiet.

Not anymore.

The God who SEES me has CALLED me out.

He has set me FREE.

No more settling for deliverance.

No more wandering in the wilderness.

It's time to move into the Promised Land!

(You might have to listen to the session where Christine Caine explained this to fully understand what I am saying and where I am coming from here.)

God is on the move in my life.

He is doing something new.

And I am excited!

God Sees Me {Part 1}

Before I left for a Women's Retreat this weekend, I finished reading Sara Hagerty's inspiring and challenging book Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet.

I first met Sara when she came to my childbirth class, very pregnant with her 5th child, but the first of whom had been carried within her own womb.  You see, she had welcomed 4 beautiful children into her heart via adoption, but this was the first baby to grow inside her physical body.  When I received her email letting me know she was expecting and interested in taking the classes, I noticed the link for her blog under her electronic signature.  Seeing as how I enjoy writing and blogging myself, I immediately checked out what this unknown woman (with a wonderful name) had to say.  I learned of her story, how she and her husband Nate had adopted 4 children from Africa.  That was just the tip of a HUGE iceberg, though.  Little did I know, the woman I greeted at the door several weeks later for our first class was in the middle of publishing her first book.  Little did I know the agony and pain and grief and sorrow and tears and prayers that came with her baby bump.  Since then, I have read her book.  And now I know.

Looking back, I am honored and humbled to have played a small role in helping Sara and Nate prepare for Boaz's arrival.  I smile and shake my head at the ways God works.  At the way He puts people into my life at the times He does and the situations and circumstances He uses to get them there.

As I closed the cover to Sara's book, tears in my eyes, a promise resounded deep within my soul.  Just as God had taught Sara that He saw her, He was reminding me of the same truth in my life.  I clung to that beautiful assurance.

Later that day, I packed my bags for a Women's Retreat, excited to see what God would have for me as a I spent a weekend with other women, my sister friends from church.  I was ready and expectant to be in His presence, praying for my eyes to see and my ears to hear what He would have for me to learn about Him, about myself, about our relationship.

I was not disappointed.

Each session resounded that truth - GOD SEES ME.
And I will share more about that in Part 2.
For now, however, I want to highlight how God made it abundantly clear that He does indeed see me, right now, right where I am at in life and how I am feeling about my present circumstances.

He sees.
He knows.
He cares.

After our morning session on Saturday, we broke off into pre-determined small groups.  I was a leader of one of these groups, though I assured my sisters I was simply the facilitator and we would all be contributing equally to the discussion that would take place.  We had been given a bag of slips of paper, each with a question on them.  We were instructed to simply pull a slip from the bag and answer the question as our group saw fit.  We could pass on a question if we didn't like it or find that it related well to our group.  We could go as deep as we wanted with our response.  How the next hour or so went would be different for each of the small groups.

The women in my group gathered together in a small room, turned on the space heater (seeing as how it was 27 degrees outside and we were shivering), and sat down, each in a unique chair pulled from all corners of the cabin.

We started out with the question, "How could we bless others out of the overflow of our healthiest relationships?"

I'm not sure why exactly, but one of the women shared how she was really struggling right now.  As she described it, she was in a "funk."  We didn't judge her, but rather thanked her for being open and honest and REAL with us.  We kept talking a bit about blessing others and then moved on to question #2:

"What is the one thing that keeps you from being truly authentic with others?"

I felt this was a perfect follow up, as we were sitting there crying and being completely authentic with each other at that very moment.  No covering things up.  No walls.  No facades.  Just brutal honesty, whether it was pretty or not.  And it was GOOD.

We talked about how various things can keep us from being real, authentic.
But everything we mentioned seemed to have a common thread - FEAR.

Fear holds us back from opening up and letting people see our hearts, our dreams, our inner selves.
Fear tells us people won't like us or accept us if they find out who we really are.
Fear convinces us to be safe.
Fear ties us up, strangles us, slowly kills us.
If we're honest...

Our initial conversation laid the foundation for openness, honesty, authenticity among us in that room.  We had chosen to push fear aside and be real instead.

We had time for one more question.
I pulled one out, and we were all like, "What did that say?  What does that mean?"  None of us understood what was being asked or how to answer, and so we unanimously agreed to pick a different question.

This one was the kicker, for me at least...

"Even in the midst of gratitude, is there something you're longing for?"

As I listened to everyone else share what was heavy on their hearts, what yearnings were deep within them, I couldn't help but want to keep my ultimate longing to myself.  I would just share a different desire, equally wanted, but not my big, scary, humanly impossible, so-crazy-only-God-can-fulfill-it dream.  After all, I was still wrestling with the idea of that dream - was it selfish, was it of me or of God, was it wrong of me to want what I did?

I couldn't push it aside though.
Not then.
Not for the past 18 months.

Deep down inside I know this desire is indeed of God.
And yet the enemy keeps trying to convince me my dream is too big, too hard, just too much...

When I get past that part and believe beyond a shadow of doubt that God can make this dream a reality in my life (read Ephesians 2:10, 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12, 1 Corinthians 2:9, and Ephesians 3:20 if you doubt me), then I face another battle.  I'm being selfish, greedy.  At least that's what Satan whispers in my ear time and time again.

I am learning - slowly but surely - to tune him out and listen instead to the voice of God, the voice of Truth, the voice of LOVE, the voice of the One who created me, who knitted me together in my mother's womb, who placed these dreams and desires within me, who wants to use me for His glory and bring many sons and daughters into His forever family so they too can experience His power and mercy and grace and peace and hope and joy.

So, when my turn came, I took a deep breath and shared BOTH my "silly" longing and then my much deeper - and scary - dream...

While I am extremely blessed to be a mom of 3 beautiful girls, one of whom I was holding as she slept peacefully on my chest, I have to be honest and admit that I would LOVE a son.  Two actually.  I am presently praying earnestly for twin boys (and you can feel free to join me in this).

After we had our laugh, I delved into my "real" answer:

I LONG to be a published author.
I DREAM of sharing my story on stage, challenging and encouraging and uplifting thousands of men and women (especially my fellow mamas) all around the world.
I YEARN to be in the top 100 earners of It Works, the natural health and wellness company I joined 21 months ago.
I PRAY God will use this company, this role, as a TOOL to fulfill my longings and dreams.

As people read my book(s), as they listen to me on stage, I want them to hear JESUS, to see HIM in me.  As they learn my story, they will soon realize it's actually GOD'S story.  They will find His fingerprints everywhere.  They won't be able to deny that He alone could bring about the events of my life.  They will join me in praising Him.  They will be overcome with the desire to KNOW God personally, to be filled with His Spirit, to dwell in His presence.

I am ever so grateful for where I am at in life right now.
Married to my best friend.
The mother of 3 precious girls.
A stay at home mom.
Doing things I love.
I am blessed.

But, as the question indicated, and if I am honest, I long for MORE...

So, I barred my heart before these women.
They didn't laugh at me.
They didn't judge me.
They didn't accuse me of being selfish or greedy.
They didn't tell me my dream was too big, too hard, too much.

Instead, they agreed with me that this longing was from God.
They prayed with me and for me that God would bring this dream to fulfillment, in His timing.

As I held their hands, their words penetrated deep within my soul.
They stirred up the yearnings God had placed there.
And as my emotions swelled, I could hear God whispering in my ear, "I see you." 

He understands my dreams.
He knows my heart.
He sees me.

We could have picked any slip of paper out of our bag, but we picked that one, the one with the question about the longings of our soul.

And in being asked that question, I was given the freedom to answer openly, honestly.
In so doing, I was also given the freedom, I believe, to pursue my dream.

Again, I felt as though God nodded His head.
I see you.
I know that desire.
I placed it within you.

The remainder of the weekend only continued to confirm this promise, but that is for another blog post at another time...