I first met Sara when she came to my childbirth class, very pregnant with her 5th child, but the first of whom had been carried within her own womb. You see, she had welcomed 4 beautiful children into her heart via adoption, but this was the first baby to grow inside her physical body. When I received her email letting me know she was expecting and interested in taking the classes, I noticed the link for her blog under her electronic signature. Seeing as how I enjoy writing and blogging myself, I immediately checked out what this unknown woman (with a wonderful name) had to say. I learned of her story, how she and her husband Nate had adopted 4 children from Africa. That was just the tip of a HUGE iceberg, though. Little did I know, the woman I greeted at the door several weeks later for our first class was in the middle of publishing her first book. Little did I know the agony and pain and grief and sorrow and tears and prayers that came with her baby bump. Since then, I have read her book. And now I know.
Looking back, I am honored and humbled to have played a small role in helping Sara and Nate prepare for Boaz's arrival. I smile and shake my head at the ways God works. At the way He puts people into my life at the times He does and the situations and circumstances He uses to get them there.
As I closed the cover to Sara's book, tears in my eyes, a promise resounded deep within my soul. Just as God had taught Sara that He saw her, He was reminding me of the same truth in my life. I clung to that beautiful assurance.
Later that day, I packed my bags for a Women's Retreat, excited to see what God would have for me as a I spent a weekend with other women, my sister friends from church. I was ready and expectant to be in His presence, praying for my eyes to see and my ears to hear what He would have for me to learn about Him, about myself, about our relationship.
I was not disappointed.
Each session resounded that truth - GOD SEES ME.
And I will share more about that in Part 2.
For now, however, I want to highlight how God made it abundantly clear that He does indeed see me, right now, right where I am at in life and how I am feeling about my present circumstances.
He sees.
He knows.
He cares.
After our morning session on Saturday, we broke off into pre-determined small groups. I was a leader of one of these groups, though I assured my sisters I was simply the facilitator and we would all be contributing equally to the discussion that would take place. We had been given a bag of slips of paper, each with a question on them. We were instructed to simply pull a slip from the bag and answer the question as our group saw fit. We could pass on a question if we didn't like it or find that it related well to our group. We could go as deep as we wanted with our response. How the next hour or so went would be different for each of the small groups.
The women in my group gathered together in a small room, turned on the space heater (seeing as how it was 27 degrees outside and we were shivering), and sat down, each in a unique chair pulled from all corners of the cabin.
We started out with the question, "How could we bless others out of the overflow of our healthiest relationships?"
I'm not sure why exactly, but one of the women shared how she was really struggling right now. As she described it, she was in a "funk." We didn't judge her, but rather thanked her for being open and honest and REAL with us. We kept talking a bit about blessing others and then moved on to question #2:
"What is the one thing that keeps you from being truly authentic with others?"
I felt this was a perfect follow up, as we were sitting there crying and being completely authentic with each other at that very moment. No covering things up. No walls. No facades. Just brutal honesty, whether it was pretty or not. And it was GOOD.
We talked about how various things can keep us from being real, authentic.
But everything we mentioned seemed to have a common thread - FEAR.
Fear holds us back from opening up and letting people see our hearts, our dreams, our inner selves.
Fear tells us people won't like us or accept us if they find out who we really are.
Fear convinces us to be safe.
Fear ties us up, strangles us, slowly kills us.
If we're honest...
Our initial conversation laid the foundation for openness, honesty, authenticity among us in that room. We had chosen to push fear aside and be real instead.
We had time for one more question.
I pulled one out, and we were all like, "What did that say? What does that mean?" None of us understood what was being asked or how to answer, and so we unanimously agreed to pick a different question.
This one was the kicker, for me at least...
"Even in the midst of gratitude, is there something you're longing for?"
As I listened to everyone else share what was heavy on their hearts, what yearnings were deep within them, I couldn't help but want to keep my ultimate longing to myself. I would just share a different desire, equally wanted, but not my big, scary, humanly impossible, so-crazy-only-God-can-fulfill-it dream. After all, I was still wrestling with the idea of that dream - was it selfish, was it of me or of God, was it wrong of me to want what I did?
I couldn't push it aside though.
Not then.
Not for the past 18 months.
Deep down inside I know this desire is indeed of God.
And yet the enemy keeps trying to convince me my dream is too big, too hard, just too much...
When I get past that part and believe beyond a shadow of doubt that God can make this dream a reality in my life (read Ephesians 2:10, 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12, 1 Corinthians 2:9, and Ephesians 3:20 if you doubt me), then I face another battle. I'm being selfish, greedy. At least that's what Satan whispers in my ear time and time again.
I am learning - slowly but surely - to tune him out and listen instead to the voice of God, the voice of Truth, the voice of LOVE, the voice of the One who created me, who knitted me together in my mother's womb, who placed these dreams and desires within me, who wants to use me for His glory and bring many sons and daughters into His forever family so they too can experience His power and mercy and grace and peace and hope and joy.
So, when my turn came, I took a deep breath and shared BOTH my "silly" longing and then my much deeper - and scary - dream...
While I am extremely blessed to be a mom of 3 beautiful girls, one of whom I was holding as she slept peacefully on my chest, I have to be honest and admit that I would LOVE a son. Two actually. I am presently praying earnestly for twin boys (and you can feel free to join me in this).
After we had our laugh, I delved into my "real" answer:
I LONG to be a published author.
I DREAM of sharing my story on stage, challenging and encouraging and uplifting thousands of men and women (especially my fellow mamas) all around the world.
I YEARN to be in the top 100 earners of It Works, the natural health and wellness company I joined 21 months ago.
I PRAY God will use this company, this role, as a TOOL to fulfill my longings and dreams.
As people read my book(s), as they listen to me on stage, I want them to hear JESUS, to see HIM in me. As they learn my story, they will soon realize it's actually GOD'S story. They will find His fingerprints everywhere. They won't be able to deny that He alone could bring about the events of my life. They will join me in praising Him. They will be overcome with the desire to KNOW God personally, to be filled with His Spirit, to dwell in His presence.
I am ever so grateful for where I am at in life right now.
Married to my best friend.
The mother of 3 precious girls.
A stay at home mom.
Doing things I love.
I am blessed.
But, as the question indicated, and if I am honest, I long for MORE...
So, I barred my heart before these women.
They didn't laugh at me.
They didn't judge me.
They didn't accuse me of being selfish or greedy.
They didn't tell me my dream was too big, too hard, too much.
Instead, they agreed with me that this longing was from God.
They prayed with me and for me that God would bring this dream to fulfillment, in His timing.
As I held their hands, their words penetrated deep within my soul.
They stirred up the yearnings God had placed there.
And as my emotions swelled, I could hear God whispering in my ear, "I see you."
He understands my dreams.
He knows my heart.
He sees me.
We could have picked any slip of paper out of our bag, but we picked that one, the one with the question about the longings of our soul.
And in being asked that question, I was given the freedom to answer openly, honestly.
In so doing, I was also given the freedom, I believe, to pursue my dream.
Again, I felt as though God nodded His head.
I see you.
I know that desire.
I placed it within you.
The remainder of the weekend only continued to confirm this promise, but that is for another blog post at another time...
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