Monday, June 13, 2011

Shouldda, Wouldda, Couldda, But Didn't

In just a few days, I "should" be going into labor. In just a few days, we "would" be meeting our new baby. In just a few days, we "could" be parents to 2 kiddos. But that's not going to happen. See, if I hadn't miscarried back in December, I would be due on June 15. Wednesday. I "could" be about ready to burst. I "would" be so excited to finally meet our precious little one. I "should" have our bags packed and ready for the birth. But I don't. Instead, I am thinking about what I need to pack for camp. We leave for Ponca on Saturday!

So while I think about all the "shouldda, wouldda, couldda" scenarios, I can easily get caught up in the pain of not getting to meet my child this month, or hold him, or kiss her, or introduce him to our family, or welcome her to our home. I can focus on all the "what ifs" and get discouraged at having my hopes and dreams dashed to pieces. I can throw a pity party and say, "Woe is me." BUT I have to remember that God had other plans, better ones. I may not know what those plans are yet or how they are better than what I had envisioned. I may not like what God has for me. BUT, I have to trust Him and know that He is doing what is best for me and bringing the most glory to His name as possible. I need to focus on the positive and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus Christ alone. When I do, I can see that God is defintely at work.
For starters, we get to experience God at work first hand again this summer at Ponca. He always blows our faces off, and I am not expecting any less this year. Not only do I get to be at camp again, but I get to go pregnant again. By the time we arrive I will be 15 weeks pregnant. I am thrilled to take Coralyn back to camp and reintroduce her to all the wonderful things there. And I can't wait for the little one inside of me to see camp for him/herself!

In the past 5 and half months so much has happened. God has taught me so much. I feel like I have grown closer to Him than ever before and started to understand what living all out for Him means and actually looks like in daily life. I have been brought to my knees and cried out to God in pain and anguish for others who are suffering and asking Him why He has allowed such tragedy. I have laughed and rejoiced with others who have experienced His goodness and faithfulness in amazing ways. I have sat and waited and waited and waited for God to answer prayers that I feel like I have prayed a thousand times. I have realized how precious the "little" things are and treasured hundreds of "normal, everyday" memories in my heart. So much has happened in the last 5 and a half months. We've continued to have our share of ups and downs, of joys and fears, of worries and blessings. But through it all I have come to appreciate my relationship with God all the more.

And since I have the opportunity to be at camp again this summer, I hope that I am able to share what God has taught me with the other people there. I don't know who will be in my cabin (pray for those girls!) or who else is counseling or what God is going to do in and through all of us. I just know that I am going to be blown away. That is both exciting and scary at the same time. Camp starts on Sunday and ends on Saturday. In those 7 days, a lot can happen. We shall see what all God has in store...

Friday, June 10, 2011

Playing Catch Up

Our computer suddenly decided to die and make my life a lot harder than I expected. Who knew how often I checked e-mail or facebook or wrote a quick blog or did research on the internet? Well, now I know how much I took my computer for granted. Somehow going to the library and trying to type with Coralyn sitting on my lap or keeping her occupied and quiet beside me isn't the same as using the computer while she is taking an afternoon nap or playing with her toys in the living room. :)

Thankfully, our computer has been fixed! However, we lost all our pictures and documents and everthing else!!! So, if you haven't backed up your stuff, let me assure you, DO IT NOW!!! We are actually trying to get our precious pictures and documents salvaged, so I am still without a computer for the rest of the month. BUT, thanks to my mom's wonderful Christmas present of the Wii, we can have the internet on our TV. I was so excited when we found out that was possible and were able to download the internet channel! Hence, I am able to write this blog in the peace and quiet of my own home while Coralyn is sleeping in her crib. :)

Now to get caught up on the past month...Coralyn is now 20 months old! I put her hair in full pig tails the other day and my little girl looked all grown up. She can use sentences now, most of them starting with, "I want..." She has quite the vocabulary though and is getting good and copying things we say. She loves going to the zoo and seeing the animals and saying their names or mimicking their sounds. She also likes to swim at the Liberty Community Center and went all the way underwater the other day (of course I was holding onto her). She is fearless and will jump off the side of the pool, completely trusting that I will catch her. She is almost 100% potty trained. She even wakes up dry from her naps most days! She is a tomboy through and through. Her favorite toys right now are three trucks I got at a garage sale. She will play with them for such a long time without getting bored. Every time we see a truck or tractor (heavy machinery) she shouts out, "Truck!" or "Tractor!" And if she sees a bike, she lets us know that too. Motorcycles are also "bikes." And somehow every book has earned the title "Bible." Unfortunately, she has learned the word, "NO," and uses it quite frequently. She is still full of life and energy and keeps us busy. We are so blessed to have such an amazing daughter!

We are trying to get Coralyn ready to be a big sister and talk about the baby a lot. She likes to lift up my shirt and kiss my belly. She says, "Baby," when she does. But then she lifts up her shirt, points to her belly, and says, "baby." Not quite, but oh so cute! She likes to get a baby doll and wrap it in a blanket and carry the baby around with her. Precious!

Speaking of the baby, I am now 13 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. We heard the heartbeat on Tuesday!!! I was kind of nervous because at this stage they couldn't find Corlayn's heartbeat and had to do a sonogram, but I didn't have that option this time. And when we miscarried, I was just about 12 weeks and they couldn't find a heartbeat and then the sonogram showed nothing. I really needed to hear that heartbeat for peace of mind. God answered my prayers and let me hear my healthy baby for about 30 seconds. It's so amazing that a little person is growing inside of me! In just another 6 weeks or so we will find out if that little person is a he or a she! Either way, we just want a strong, healthy baby. Well, two babies, really, but we will take whatever God has given us. We are just so thrilled to have another baby. Our little Christmas present! Who needs gifts?!

We are gearing up for our first week of camp this summer. We will be there for high school week this year. Lawrence and Coralyn are going to cook :) and I am going to counsel! Scary! But I am looking forward to it. I know that I am going to learn a lot and be challenged as high schoolers intimidate me to no end :) I am excited to see what God has in store for all of us who will be there that week! And for everyone going at any point this summer. I think about 60-70 kids from the Liberty area have signed up so far, so that is wonderful! There is still time if you want to get in on the action and register for camp. Just go to for information!
I guess that is about it. Today we are going to pick up our niece who just turned 11. For her birthday we gave her a weekend visit with us. The best present ever, right?! :) While I teach childbirth class, Lawrence is going to take Katlynne and Coralyn shopping at Justice :) At least he gets to enjoy Yogurtini afterwards :) I am sure the entire weekend will be packed full of fun. I will let you know...