Shouldda, Wouldda, Couldda, But Didn't

In just a few days, I "should" be going into labor. In just a few days, we "would" be meeting our new baby. In just a few days, we "could" be parents to 2 kiddos. But that's not going to happen. See, if I hadn't miscarried back in December, I would be due on June 15. Wednesday. I "could" be about ready to burst. I "would" be so excited to finally meet our precious little one. I "should" have our bags packed and ready for the birth. But I don't. Instead, I am thinking about what I need to pack for camp. We leave for Ponca on Saturday!

So while I think about all the "shouldda, wouldda, couldda" scenarios, I can easily get caught up in the pain of not getting to meet my child this month, or hold him, or kiss her, or introduce him to our family, or welcome her to our home. I can focus on all the "what ifs" and get discouraged at having my hopes and dreams dashed to pieces. I can throw a pity party and say, "Woe is me." BUT I have to remember that God had other plans, better ones. I may not know what those plans are yet or how they are better than what I had envisioned. I may not like what God has for me. BUT, I have to trust Him and know that He is doing what is best for me and bringing the most glory to His name as possible. I need to focus on the positive and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus Christ alone. When I do, I can see that God is defintely at work.
For starters, we get to experience God at work first hand again this summer at Ponca. He always blows our faces off, and I am not expecting any less this year. Not only do I get to be at camp again, but I get to go pregnant again. By the time we arrive I will be 15 weeks pregnant. I am thrilled to take Coralyn back to camp and reintroduce her to all the wonderful things there. And I can't wait for the little one inside of me to see camp for him/herself!

In the past 5 and half months so much has happened. God has taught me so much. I feel like I have grown closer to Him than ever before and started to understand what living all out for Him means and actually looks like in daily life. I have been brought to my knees and cried out to God in pain and anguish for others who are suffering and asking Him why He has allowed such tragedy. I have laughed and rejoiced with others who have experienced His goodness and faithfulness in amazing ways. I have sat and waited and waited and waited for God to answer prayers that I feel like I have prayed a thousand times. I have realized how precious the "little" things are and treasured hundreds of "normal, everyday" memories in my heart. So much has happened in the last 5 and a half months. We've continued to have our share of ups and downs, of joys and fears, of worries and blessings. But through it all I have come to appreciate my relationship with God all the more.

And since I have the opportunity to be at camp again this summer, I hope that I am able to share what God has taught me with the other people there. I don't know who will be in my cabin (pray for those girls!) or who else is counseling or what God is going to do in and through all of us. I just know that I am going to be blown away. That is both exciting and scary at the same time. Camp starts on Sunday and ends on Saturday. In those 7 days, a lot can happen. We shall see what all God has in store...