You would think that the midst of the holiday season would be the absolute worse time to experience a hardship like this. During a time when you are supposed to be happy, carefree, and jolly, we were hit with a tragedy we never expected. While our loss did damper our spirits, it was actually the perfect timing for such a difficulty to take place. Lawrence is a teacher, so he had most of last week and all of this week off. Since I only take care of teachers' kids, I too have had the same vacation time. Because of this, we have been able to spend a lot of time together as a family. We have been able to support and encourage each other 24/7. We haven't had to worry about work or any of the stress that comes with our jobs. We have been able to focus completely on our family. God's timing is impeccable, even when it deals with hard stuff you don't like or understand. And that has brought us even more peace, knowing that God has been in total control and is taking care of the smallest of details.
With all that said, I would like to think that I am completely ready to move on with life. I don't think I will ever "get over" losing my baby, but I do feel okay about going on with whatever God may have for us in the future. I still get scared thinking about all the unknowns and the "what if's." I would still like to know some particulars about the road that lies before us. It would be nice to have a detailed map and step-by-step instructions regarding the on-going journey we are on as we follow after God. But there is no map, there are no nicely printed out directions from Google, and there isn't a GPS that can tell us how many more feet before we make the next turn. BUT, we aren't left on our own. We have the best Guide ever, the Author of Life Himself is right beside us, every single step of the way. I think back to our wedding day and how we read Psalm 48:14, "For this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end." Just because the path got a bit steep and we have had to climb over a few rocks, we know that God is still with us, showing us the perfect way to go. I still don't know all the places we will go along the way or what all will take place as we work to get there, but I do know my final destination and I am looking forward to my arrival. Some good friends lost their father this holiday season, and one of their comments about their dad's life struck me, "He ran with endurance the race set before him, fixing his eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of his faith the entire way." At many times this past week I haven't felt like running the race set before me. I have wanted to quit, to give up, or at least to stop and rest. Haven't I earned that right, given my situation? Well, Jesus kept going, and He knew the cross was before Him. Thank goodness He didn't stop, or give up, or quit. Thank goodness that He has been with me to help me keep on going. I think of another verse, Isaiah 40:31, "Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." These past few days I haven't felt like flying or even running, but walking I can do. At first it was an effort to take one step after another. While I'm not ready to run quite yet, I don't feel like I am trudging along either. It's more like a slow walk, one where you take the time to enjoy the scenery and take in all the sights and smells along the way.
On this walk, I have been spending time in the Word, mainly the book of Matthew (only because that is where I had been reading, so figured I might as well continue). As I have been reading, I have come up with some questions, or at least some ponderings. Once you get past Jesus' birth and the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew begins to tell more about Jesus' ministry, which of course includes numerous miracles. Reading about Jesus healing people has raised quite a few thoughts and questions for me. For example, in chapter 8 a man with leprosy yells out to Jesus as He is walking by, "Jesus, if You want to, I know that You can heal me." Jesus stops to ask the man what he wants. Of course the man wants to be cured of his incurable disease. Jesus tells him, "I want to heal you," touches the man, and the leprosy is gone, just like that. The man goes away rejoicing. I think to myself, Jesus, I wanted to be healed too. I wanted You to help me. Why didn't You want to fix whatever was wrong and save my baby? Why didn't You want to help me? You could have. You have the power. But You didn't. Why? Why didn't you want to? WHY?!
There is no answer. Not yet...
I read on and come to Matthew 9:19-22. Jesus is on his way to heal someone else, but a woman reaches out and touches his robe. In the midst of the crowd, Jesus feels this woman's touch. He stops. He tells the woman, "Because of your faith, you are well." Again, I think to myself, Did I not have faith? No, I did have faith. I believed that God could have healed me. He could have saved my unborn child. I had total faith that He could reverse whatever had gone wrong and allow us to have a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful baby. I had faith! So, why didn't you make me well? Why didn't you stop and help me? WHY?!
Again, there is no answer. I am left with just my questions. For now...
I keep on reading. I don't get too far before Jesus heals another person. Matthew 9:27-29 tells of 2 blind men who have their sight restored. Just as Jesus told the woman, he says to these men, "Your faith has made you well." The same questions come to mind, Did I not have faith? Was my faith not big enough? If I had faith, why didn't you heal me? Why didn't you change my situation? Why, why, WHY?!
Yet again, no answer.
Just a few verses later (Matthew 9:35-36), I read how Jesus healed many who were brought to Him. The lame went away walking. The deaf could hear. The blind could see. The mute started talking. Demons were cast out. People's lives were changed. No one else could have done what Jesus did. Without Him, these people would have never been able to walk to the market, hear a friend call out, "Hello!," see the colors of a rainbow, or tell their child, "I love you." These men, women, and children desperately needed Jesus, and He took care of them. I am happy for all these people; I am glad that Jesus helped them. Yet, I know there were many more whom He didn't heal. I can empathize with them. For as I read about all these people healed "because He had compassion on them," think to myself, Why didn't you heal me? Did you not have compassion on me? Was I not worth Your time or effort? Do I not matter to You?! If You do love me and care about me, why didn't you help me? Why didn't you save my baby? WHY?!
Still no answers. Just questions.
Reading about all these miracles, I kept waiting to come upon the story of the man who was blind since birth. I even skimmed through the rest of Matthew to see if I could find it. When it wasn't there, I looked through Mark. I kept going, all the way through Luke. I had to keep reading until I got to John 9. Jesus and His disciples are walking along and pass by a man who is blind. In fact, this man was born blind. No accident happened as a boy (like a rock accidentally hitting his eye while he played with friends). Nothing tragic happened at work (like a splinter of wood flying off as he worked to build a house or a fish hook catching his eye instead of a trout). No, he was born blind. There was no reason for his blindness, at least not that man knew. There was no explanation, until Jesus came on the scene. Wondering why this man had been born blind, the disciples asked Jesus, "Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he should be born blind?" They automatically thought there had to be a reason why this man could not see. They figured there had to be a reason why something bad happened to him. (much like we think today) Jesus told them it wasn't anyone's fault, no one was to blame. But He did know the reason why this man had been born blind, why he had been unable to see his entire life, why this man had suffered for so long. Jesus explained, “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him."
There's my answer.
It may not be the answer I wanted. It may still leave me questioning. But it's my answer. The only answer.
There was no explanation for the man being born blind. There was no logical reason. No one had any answers. No one knew why...until Jesus came.
The only difference between me and this man is that Jesus healed the blind man. The blind man went away a seeing man (after he washed the spit and mud off his eyes). But, Jesus chose not to heal me, not to change my situation. Not because I had sinned. Not because I didn't have faith. Not because He didn't have compassion on me or care about me. Not because He couldn't. But because, for some reason I still don't know or understand, God's glory would be made greater in this way. I still have lots of questions, but for now I have to accept the only answer God has given me, "This happened so that My power could be seen in you."
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