Big Brother

I have been avoiding my Beth Moore Bible study. It's not that I don't like the Bible study. Not at all. I have thoroughly enjoyed it. Well, some parts have been hard to swallow, but only because God was helping me deal with my pain and grief and teaching me to trust Him in the midst of this difficult part of the journey that I am on, the journey that leads me ever closer to Him.

I have been putting off doing my "homework" because I know that the topic will touch on the raw emotions that are still rampant in my heart. I know that I will have questions. Mainly "why" questions (didn't I just blog about that!). I know that my questions probably won't have answers, at least not immediate ones. I know that I will be left with the choice to trust in God's goodness or to doubt His faithfulness.

It's funny how when you are trying to avoid something or put something off, God doesn't let you get off the hook. During the kids' naps today I have gotten a lot done: folded and put away 4 loads of laundry, cooked the meat and cornbread for supper (as well as prepared the salad), wrote two letters, checked e-mail and facebook (several times), made a list of things we need to buy for foster parenting, and lifted weights. I was running out of things to do, and the kids are still asleep (not complaining!). God seemed to whisper that I had time to take a look at my Bible study homework.

Reluctantly, I got out my Beth Moore book and my Bible and opened to Psalm 127. I had already completed the first part of the homework for this particular Psalm, which is why I didn't want to work on the second part. I knew what was coming.

Children are a gift from the Lord;

they are a reward from Him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hands.

How happy is the man whose quiver is full of them!

He will not be put to shame when he confronts His accusers at the city gates.

I'm not gonna lie. I did end up crying at some point. BUT I also smiled. I am so blessed to be a mother at all. I have a precious daughter, whom I love with all my heart. She is definitely a gift from the Lord, a reward I certainly don't deserve. I am most assuredly happy to have her in my life. She brings me such joy!

But, I would love a house full of kiddos. I have always dreamed of having a big family (I am an only child and vowed to have lots of kids when I was young). And of course, being the planner that I am, I would ideally like my children to be 18-24 months apart so that they can grow up together and be playmates and lifelong friends. However, that plan has kind of been shot to pieces and I am having to accept that. Not just accept it, but truly believe that this is God's best for us. As I am in the process of doing that, I still have questions, especially when I read verses like the ones in this Psalm. "If children are a gift, a reward, then why hasn't God blessed me with children, plural?" or "If God knows the desire of my heart is to have lots of kids, why isn't He fulfilling that desire?" "Did I do something wrong so as not to receive this gift, this reward of children (again plural)?" "Why do some people get to have lots of kids who are spaced exactly right and we don't?" "Why do some people not get to have kids at all, even though they badly want kids?"

Like I said, my questions don't really have immediate answers.

YET, I realized that while I am sad about our loss, I can't let it take my eyes off all that I do have, all that God has given me in my wonderful little girl. And so I was able to smile, really big actually.

I also had to smile when Beth Moore talked about how we are mothers to more than just our biological children. So, so true. And if I look at it as I probably should, I do have a house full of kiddos. On Tuesdays, I get to take care of little Bennett (10 months). Then come April, baby Nik (3 months) will join us every day except Thursday. And of course, I have my beloved Carson (3 years on March 31) every single day!!! I have been watching Carson since Coralyn was just 2 months old. He has become like a big brother to her. When we go to the library people assume he is my son, that he is Coralyn's big brother. He proudly tells everyone, "This is Cocoa." When she starts to run off, he races after her and tries to protect her from the library ladies and their carts full of books. He holds her hand and dances with her during the song part of story time. When we check out our books, the library worker scans a book and then hands it to Carson to put in our bag. Everyone always comments about how he is such a good helper. I couldn't ask for a better big brother for my little girl. We always wanted a son first to protect any daughters that we had later. God didn't answer our prayers how we thought. We didn't give birth to a little boy, but we got a big brother for Coralyn. And to boot, he is about 20 months older than Coralyn and they love playing together every day. In a way, God has fulfilled the desires of my heart, to a T. Another smile, a huge one!

All that to say, doing my homework was hard today, but I am so glad that I did. If I had tried to hide from God, I wouldn't have been reminded of the blessings I do have. I would have missed out on the smiles He had for me.

I need to keep this in mind as we get ready to take a look at Psalm 128:

How happy are those who fear the Lord --

all who follow His ways!

You will enjoy the fruit of your labor.

How happy you will be! How rich your life!

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine, flourishing within your home.

And look at all those children!

There they sit around your table as vigorous and healthy as young olive trees.

That is the Lord's reward for those who fear Him.

I am interested to see what Beth will have to say and what God will teach me. This time I won't put off doing my homework.

Side note: Coralyn just woke up from her nap. She had a huge smile for me when I went to get her out of her crib. I told her, "Let's go get Carson." She laughed and smiled even bigger. As soon as she saw him get out of his bed, she was doing her happy dance. What perfect timing! I love that Coralyn loves her "big brother" so much!!!