A Mixed Bag

I feel like my heart is a mixed bag of emotions.  I don't know what to think or feel or do or say.

I've had friends lose their newborn son.
I've had friends lose their one year old son to cancer.

I know 2 couples who are battling for their sons' lives right now.
One little boy is about Coralyn's age and has cancer.
The other little boy is a tiny baby fighting for life while he waits for a new heart.

I've had friends miscarry.
We've miscarried (our little one would be 2 years old this month if he/she had been born).

I have other friends who have just welcomed precious, healthy babies to the world recently.

I see posts of kids who just got back from camp.
God is working in their hearts.
He is changing their lives.

I know more kids are at camp right now.
More still will be going to camp in the weeks to come.
God will do His thing in each and every one of these boys and girls.
I am blessed to play a small part in this process.

But then my joy turns to sorrow or confusion maybe.
I don't understand why God isn't answering countless prayers for healing.

You see, I have friends dealing with health issues right now.  Serious stuff.
So much so that our pastor announced his resignation last night, due to the health of his wife.
They will be moving to another state where the climate is better and might help give her some relief.
He is unable to serve and minister in the way he wants/needs without his wife by his side.
They are a team, but can't work together right now.
And he's going to focus on helping her.
Such love, such dedication, such commitment.
So much respect for this couple.
Going to miss them greatly, but know they are doing what God has called them to do.

I have friends dealing with helping their foster kids process the fact they are going to be adopted.
That they won't see their birth mom and dad again.
That they are home forever, as a new family.
Such joy and sadness all combined into one event.

As I read the blog post about our friends in the process of adopting the foster girls they have had in their home for the past 2 years, my heart is just a mess.

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones affecting my emotions on a greater level.
I don't know, but I am doing my best to hold back tears.

I couldn't last night as our pastor read his letter and talked about the journey ahead of him, his wife, and their family (5 kids).

I couldn't as I read posts about Chase not being able to play in the sun with his siblings and friends.

I couldn't as I read about Caleb needing a new heart and his parents making the decision to donate his organs should he not make it.

I look down at my growing belly and fear creeps in.
Will my baby be okay?
Will he/she be healthy?
Will we be the family posting pictures on facebook daily asking for prayer for our little one's life?

I turn to my two girls, sitting on the floor playing together.
I am blown away by how blessed I am to be their mommy.
I am filled with joy as I hear them laugh and watch them interact with each other.
My heart melts when they give me hugs or kisses.
I hold their hands a little tighter and smile a bit more when they grab onto my finger or crawl into my lap.
I pray I have many, many, many more days with them.
I pray I get to paint many more pictures with them.
I pray I get to build many more towers with them.
I pray I get to splash in the pool with them many more summers.
I pray I get to read many more books with them.

My brother-in-law is getting married this weekend.  Coralyn is the flower girl.
I am going to cry as she walks down the aisle.
My mind will be jumping ahead some 20 years to when she's the bride.

Kellah's not in the wedding, but I will be picturing her up there as a bridesmaid for Coralyn, and then as a bride herself in the years following.

I feel like my heart is being pulled in a tug-of-war.
Joy. Sadness.
Fear. Relief.
Happiness. Grief.

Back and forth.

Thankfully, I read Psalm 108 this morning:
1 My heart is confident in you, O God;
    no wonder I can sing your praises with all my heart!
2 Wake up, lyre and harp!
    I will wake the dawn with my song.
3 I will thank you, Lord, among all the people.
    I will sing your praises among the nations.
4 For your unfailing love is higher than the heavens.
    Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
5 Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens.
    May your glory shine over all the earth.

No matter what I may be feeling, where my heart may be, I know what to do:
Keep my eyes on Jesus.
And praise His name.