Today starts the first week since December 2009 that I have only had 2 kiddos, Carson (my almost 3 year-old daycare boy) and Coralyn. To make the most of the "freedom" I now have to go someplace, we headed out to the library for Toddler Storytime. We went last week too, actually, and both kiddos loved it. Really the storytime is just for Carson, but Coralyn doesn't seem to get that and just joins right in on the fun. She does pretty well too and follows the actions to the songs and even sat the entire time while the lady read not one, but two, books! She waited in line for her little bear finger puppet, and then again for her shakers, which her returned nicely when she was supposed to. She didn't take any toys from any of other kiddos during play time and she helped put the toys away when the clean up song started playing. (Needless to say, I was proud of my little girl!)
Storytime was great, and I had so much fun watching Carson and Coralyn. If you asked anyone there who saw me, they would probably tell you I had a huge smile on my face and that I thoroughly enjoyed myself. (I'm not gonna lie...I was doing the motions just as enthusiastically as the kiddos.) While they would be right, they have absolutely no idea about the torment of emotions that were bombarding me on the inside. My heart was bouncing back and forth from joy to despair to pride to shame to delight to grief. Before your mind starts running in circles and gets all tangled up as you try to figure out my feelings, I will explain why I was having such a difficult time in the midst of so much fun.
If there had only been the 20+ toddlers and their moms (or dads or grandmas) at Storytime, I would have been just fine. BUT, there wasn't. Not one, not two, but THREE newborns were also there. I guess there were technically there last week too, but they were still snuggled inside their mommies tummies :) I couldn't see their itty bitty fingers or marvel at their tiny mouths or ooh and ahh over their cute outfits. This week, I got to watch these beautiful, precious babes yawn, sleep, squirm, and bobble their little heads. I got to hear those newborn cries and grunts. And my heart was full, in many ways. Every time I see a baby I am once again amazed at how God creates such a small person so intricately and perfectly. Every time I see a pregnant woman I am in awe that another little person is growing inside of her! I am blown away by the things our God can do! Every time I see a baby I am happy for the parents and know how proud they must be of their little one. I am excited for their family as they watch this baby grow and learn new things. But lately, every time I see a baby I get a twinge of jealousy. My joy turns to sadness as I think about the little baby I will never meet, or get to take to Storytime at the library so other moms can ooh and ahh at my precious child. As I watch the moms hold their babies, my arms ache to hold my own newborn. My finger wants to feel my baby's tiny hand grasp it and hold on tight. My lips want to kiss my child on the forehead. My whole body yearns in some way for a baby who will never be. So I did my oohing and ahhing and then tried not to look at the newborns that much. I didn't want to be jealous. I just wanted to be happy for the new moms.
I tried focusing all my attention on Carson and Coralyn, to be thankful for the blessings they are to me, every single day. But, I am just like a kid and my eyes, my mind, wander. I couldn't help but notice that at least 4 other women were pregnant. Some were ready to deliver any day (or so it looked) and some were just starting to show. Again, my heart filled up and then overflowed with emotions very similar to the ones I felt when I saw the new babies. My hand wanted to reach down and touch my belly where my own baby would be growing. I wanted to whisper to my little one that I loved him and couldn't wait to meet him, to bring him to Storytime. I would be around 20 weeks by now, half way through the pregnancy. I would have a good little bump, but instead all I have is a little pouch I don't really want. And so I tried to be happy for these women instead of being jealous of them.
I tried really hard.
And failed.
Even now, hours later, my heart feels a void, an emptiness. And the thing I have to realize, and truly believe in the depths of my soul, is that a little baby isn't going to fill that whole. No, only God can do that. How fitting that today is Valentine's Day, a day we celebrate love. Yes, our love for our family and friends. But today, my focus is a little different. Today, I am so thankful for God's love for me. I am in desperate need of His love, and He freely gives it, abundantly, constantly. And as I think of His amazing love for me, my heart is once again full.
Valentine's Day, last year
Coralyn, an hour or so after she was born
I couldn't help but look at pictures of Coralyn as a brand new baby :)
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