The past 5 months have been a roller coaster of emotions for us in the Young household. We have been delighted at the idea of a new baby only to have those hopes and dreams dashed with a miscarriage. We have been devastated and grieved at the loss of our baby whom we never got to meet here on earth. We have been challenged to step out of our comfort zone and live epically for God, in such a way that we reach out and make a difference in those around us. We have remodeled our house to get ready for the foster kiddos who will come to live with us at some point in the future. We have gotten excited about the possibilities all that entails, but also scared about all the what ifs and the unknowns that come with the territory of foster parenting. We have been stressed as our schedules got busier and the bills increased but our income didn't. We have been anxious to see what God has in store for our future as we follow Him, trusting Him because there is no other way. We have been extremely thankful for our very lives, having come within inches of our lives but leaving the scene of the car wreck completely unharmed. We have been confused and frustrated as I struggled with health issues that didn't seem to have an answer. We have been thrilled at the opportunity Lawrence was given to start an after school program for the 4th and 5th grade boys at his school. We have been nervous and excited at the same time as we prepared for the Shave to Save event; we were really praying God would use this experience to impact people in a huge way, a way that we never could without going through this adventure.
The big event has come and gone. Yesterday, I lost all my hair. I donated 3 ponytails that were each about 18 inches long to Locks of Love so that someone can have a wig. With the help of my family and friends, over $5,600 was given to the Hope Lodge to provide cancer patients with a place to stay for free while they receive treatment, meaning they can focus completely on getting better and winning the battle against cancer.
It was a bittersweet moment for me as Lawrence cut off my ponytails and then made a Z with the razor. I thought I would be more saddened by the loss of my hair, but that really didn't seem to matter. I was kind of nervous about what I would look like as a bald woman, but everyone kept telling me I looked great, so I guess they were either being really nice or they actually meant it. Either way, I feel fine about my new doo. Although I do keep going to move my hair out of my eyes or pull my ponytail out from my shirt and then remember that I don't actually have any hair. :) I was kind of anxious to see how people at the gym would respond to my new look this morning, but I just threw on a dew rag and was ready to go. And getting ready this morning was a breeze!
I had planned on sharing more about why exactly I was shaving my head, but I was overcome with emotion as I told about our miscarriage last December. The pain just seemed to well up and was so fresh, even though it's been almost 5 months and I haven't cried in weeks. I think I was actually more nervous about sharing our GOOD news than I was about having my hair shaved off. I do hope that people heard not only our announcement that we are expecting a baby once again, but that this is the result of God's goodness. He is so faithful. Our baby is due almost to the day of when we miscarried. There couldn't be a more redemptive pregnancy. Plus, I think telling about our newest family member helped ease the pain of my extreme haircut for my parents and in-laws. And everyone seemed to be more focused on congratulating us on the baby than on my haircut, which I didn't mind one bit!
As I sit here and think about the past 5 months, I am blown away by God's lovingkindness. I have been feeling sick and tired since the beginning of the year. I had my blood drawn and tested positive for anemia. So I took iron, lots of it. I added vitamin C to my diet to help absorb the iron. Nothing seemed to help, and after 4 months of this I was getting very discouraged. Towards the end of April I had my blood tested again, and this time I was not anemic. Which was good news, but I was still very concerned because that meant there was still something wrong, and I didn't know what that was or how to fix it. I got scared and started thinking about the worse case scenarios. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, but was too afraid to take a pregnancy test in fear that if it was positive I might miscarry again.
God kept trying to whisper to me and quiet my fears.
On Easter Sunday Pastor Michael spoke about the peace and rest that comes as a result of the resurrection. I felt like God was telling me to stop worrying, that everything was going to be okay. And in fact, I might just have that Christmas baby I had prayed for after we miscarried. (Side note: I have always thought that December is one of the worst possible months to have a baby because of the busyness of the holidays and I didn't want my child's birthday to get overlooked. BUT after we miscarried I told God that the best Christmas present ever would be a baby next year.)
Two days later I read Psalm 116 in my personal devotions. It begins, "I love the Lord because He hears and ANSWERS my prayers. Because He bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath." The psalmist goes on, "I saw only trouble and sorrow. THEN I called on the name of the Lord...How kind the Lord is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and then He saved me. Now I can REST again, for the Lord has been good to me."
That same Tuesday I read in Romans 15, "So I pray that God, who gives you HOPE, will keep you happy and FULL OF PEACE as you believe in Him. May you OVERFLOW with HOPE through the power of the Holy Spirit."
Two days later I had an appointment at the birthing center where Coralyn was born. I was hoping that if my sickness was somehow related to my miscarriage or some kind of female problem, the midwives there would be able to help me. I figured I would take a pregnancy test too, just in case. However, right before I was leaving to head to the appointment, I got a call that the birthing center was going to be closed and my appointment was cancelled. I was so bummed! I decided though to pick up a pregnancy test at Hy-Vee since I would have found out that day anyway if I was expecting or not. I waited until the kiddos were sleeping and then got up the courage to take the test. 3 minutes later I took a deep breath and went to check on the results. A very dark line was there indicating I was indeed pregnant! I was overjoyed! That explained why I was still feeling so icky even though I wasn't anemic anymore. In that instant being sick didn't seem so bad after all. And if this pregnancy is like Coralyn's, then I will be sick until December, but I am more than okay with that because I will have my Christmas baby!
The following Sunday, Pastor Michael's message was titled, "Read 'Em and Weep" as he taught from Luke 6 and explained how the Bible speaks of people's mourning and weeping being turned into comfort and laughter. I thought of the verses about how weeping may go through the night but joy comes with the morning (Ps 30:5,11). Or how our grief is turned into dancing. About how God exchanges our sorrow for rejoicing (Jer 31:13). Again, God was reassuring me that everything is going to be okay. I don't have to fear about miscarrying. He has everything under control. Just like Pastor Michael said on Easter, "God writes every detail of the story, from beginning to end." If He can arrange the ark to rest on Mt. Ararat on the same day that Jesus was raised from the dead, then He can take care of the baby growing inside of me!
About 8 weeks pregnant...
the very dark middle line, letting me know I am definitely expecting a baby!
I decorated our bedroom with Christmas stuff as my way of letting Lawrence know I was pregnant and due in December. The pregnancy test was his present in the bag!
So here I am about 10 weeks pregnant, expecting a baby in December, almost to the day of when we miscarried. When we lost our baby last year, I likened myself to Job -- how hard times happen and we go through trials without knowing why or understanding what God is doing behind the scenes and so we just have to trust Him no matter what. Well, I feel like Job again, only this time at the end of his story -- when God blessed him and gave him back all that He had lost. Only Job didn't just get back what he had lost, God gave him double of everything! I told Lawrence if we are like Job, then we might just have twins! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment