Never Say Never

Tonight, Coralyn and I were talking before she went to bed.  We had just finished reading her Bible story, which was about the time Jesus told a story relating the Kingdom of Heaven to a fisherman's net.  Just as the fisherman will sort through the fish in his net, keeping the good fish and tossing out the bad ones, many people will try to enter heaven but only those who have trusted Jesus will be greeted with open arms.  Sadly, God must turn everyone else away since they did not choose to accept His free gift of salvation through Jesus.  I told Coralyn we want to be like the good fish, and that to live in heaven with Jesus we have to believe that He died on the cross for our sins.  I went on to explain that we want others to know about Jesus and His love for us too.

We had been playing with some playdough she got for her birthday earlier in the day.  A friend from high school made three different flavors for her -- pink grapefruit, pumpkin patch, and candy cane.  My mom had gotten some of Julie's playdough last year, and it is still fresh and smells delicious.  And so, I requested some more, with new scents, for this Coralyn's birthday this year.  Julie makes the playdough and sells it to raise money for the adoption they will be finishing next month!  Little Katee will leave her orphanage in China and come home to small town Kansas to her forever family (Julie, her husband Ian, and their two kiddos Ori and Calla).  I shared the story with Coralyn, explaining that Julie and her family were showing Jesus' love to Katee and adopting her into their family since she didn't have a mommy and daddy.

Immediately, Coralyn got really sad.  She looked up at me with big eyes, "I don't want my mommy and daddy to leave me."  My knee-jerk reaction was to quickly assure her that we will always be there for her, that we will never leave her, that nothing bad will ever happen to us, that we will always be together.  BUT, I couldn't.  I couldn't lie to her.  And yet, I wanted to comfort her and assure her that we would never leave her on purpose, that we will do everything in our power to stay together forever.  I'm not sure exactly what I ended up telling her.  I guess it worked because within seconds Coralyn was jumping off her bed to catch a runaway birthday balloon.  She came back with the balloon and started describing a game we were going to play with the balloon.  "You have to pass the balloon to somebody and you can't let it drop.  You can only let it drop the next time."  So, we played with the balloon for a bit and all was good.

I did stay a little longer in her room than normal, even giving in to her request for me to lay down with her "for just a little bit."  Not sure why, but lately she has been scared of every little thing, especially shadows.

After a few minutes, I got up, kissed Coralyn one last time and left the room, light on and door open.  I walked into the kitchen to get the coffee ready for tomorrow morning and clean up a few things.  I could hear Coralyn talking to her animals and playing with the balloon. Just now, about 30 minutes later, she is finally quiet and sleeping peacefully.  For now, she has forgotten all about our conversation about the possibility of mommy and daddy leaving.  Knowing Coralyn, though, she will remember...and bring it up again.

When she does, I don't know exactly what I will say or how I will respond.  I do know, however, that I want to make the most of the time that I do have with her.  I am learning more and more that we are not assured tomorrow, that we can't guarantee our children that we will always be there for them.  Earlier today I read a post from Chase's mom regarding his battle against cancer and the reality of his need for radiation, which will only do slightly less damage than the cancer waging war against him in the form of his brain tumor. I cannot imagine being in her shoes, or Alicia's shoes (Levi's mom).  I am almost completely sure that neither one of these women ever dreamed about spending even a day in the hospital with their little boys.  And yet, there they are.

Their stories, which are still being written (praying hard for a miracle for Chase!), have drastically changed the way I look at life, the way I interact with my own children, the way I answer Coralyn's questions about mommy and daddy leaving her.

As I get ready to go to bed myself, I will go nurse Kellah one last time.  I will hold her close and thank God for her yet again.  I will pray and thank God for my girlies.  I will ask him for many more days with them, days filled with good memories.  And I will ask Him for wisdom in raising them to know and love Him, to help me make the most of the time He will give me with them, however long that may be.

Speaking of Kellah, I guess she knew I was writing about her because she just woke up and is calling for me.  Nothing sweeter than hearing, "Maaaamaaa!" from your little one.  Even cries are a blessing...this is what I am learning.