I've been thinking quite a bit about dreaming recently. Not just dreaming, but dreaming BIG. As in I hope to earn a $15,000 bonus by March 31. And since that apparently isn't big enough or far enough out there or humanly IMpossible enough, I have this dream of earning another $25,000 bonus on top of that. The money in and of itself is not my dream, but rather what that money represents.
Paying extra on our house every month so that we are completely debt free (not even a mortgage, which is all we have left). Paying someone else's rent or mortgage for a month, for a year. Buying groceries without fear of going over budget, getting all organic items, letting the girls get something "fun" for the week (like the package of gum they seem to want every single time we're in the checkout line). Buying someone else's groceries. Saving for a new car so we can pay for it completely in cash. Paying someone else's car payment. Buying someone else a new car and handing them the keys with all the completed paperwork.
Those are all pretty practical things, even the car if you stop and think about it. Transportation is a pretty basic and important part of life.
I am human though and even with my frugal nature, I want to "have fun" with the money too. Go get a pedicure without feeling guilty or selfish. To do that though, I would need to bring along a friend and pay for her. Go to our city's fall festival and let the girls ride as many rides as they want (to a point). Again though, we would need to invite another family to join us and pay for their kids' tickets. Go to Disney World on a family vacation (with 3 girls it seems inevitable) and pay for our friends to come with us. Go on a cruise with my parents and pay their way (goodness knows they've paid for enough suppers out and other special treats in my 30 years). Go on an anniversary trip to Europe, but bring another couple with us so they can have that second honeymoon experience too.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Money isn't going to buy me - or anyone - happiness. Money isn't going to fix my problems. Money isn't going to suddenly make life perfect and peachy and a bed of roses. There will still be laundry to wash, toilets to clean, meals to prepare, and diapers to change. There will also be a sense of relief as I know my girls will be able to go to college and graduate debt free, that we will have the funds to care for aging parents (when the time comes), that we won't go broke if the transmission goes out in the car, that we can pay the bills without fear of our account being overdrawn, etc.
And so I keep dreaming. I start to feel the hope rising up within my heart. I sense the joy welling up within me. I get excited. I have a glimmer in my eye, a sparkle like a love-struck girl just getting home from a wonderful date with the boy of her dreams.
But then, even though I am doing my best to fight off Satan's attacks, I hear his lies and grow weary of plugging my ears. My voice is hoarse from shouting back at him. He doesn't seem to care. He appears to feed off my weakness and grows stronger by the day.
You're just a stay-at-home mom.
All you do is play with little kids all day.
You're not even using your college degree.
And even then you were just a teacher. You didn't even have a master's. Heck, you're not even accredited to teach wherever you want.
You're just a wife, a regular ol' wife.
Not a trophy wife or anything special.
You're just another woman in the crowd.
You're not on the cover of any magazines or on any television screens.
You're nothing special.
So why in the world do you think you deserve to dream?
Who do you think you are wishing and hoping and getting excited about making a difference in the world? Yeah right, like you can do anything worthwhile or important. No one's going to remember you.
Why would you of all people get blessed in such a big way?
You're just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill girl. You don't stand out. You're not famous.
So give it up.
Lies. All of them. LIES.
They're subtle, but they creep in and suddenly they have such a tight grip on your heart and mind. You begin to believe them. You tell yourself, "I don't deserve to dream. Why would God want to use me? I'm just...."
You see it? That little four-letter word. It's the killer of dreams.
JUST.
But like I said, Satan is good at what he does. He's a master of deceit. And so he doesn't try to kill your dream all at once. Instead, he chips away at it day after day after day until you're too tired or worn down to dream anymore. And anytime you start to get that glimmer back in your eye and you dare to dream once more, Satan just has to whisper that little four-letter word and your hopes and dreams fall crashing down on you, crushing your spirit yet again.
JUST.
Who cares if you are "just" a mom?
What does it matter if you're "just" a wife?
We're all "just" another person in the sea of billions of people in this world.
AND YET, God can use you. Yes, YOU.
I think He's trying to convince me of this. Apparently reading Holley Gerth's book You're Made for a God-Sized Dream wasn't enough. Hearing Lydia Diaz speak the exact phrases and pray the same verses on a team call didn't seal the deal. Nor did having several friends share the same truths with me via text or facebook or email. My hard head needed that neon sign, I guess.
And God, being the gracious and patient Father that He is, decided to go ahead and let me have that big, flashing neon sign. Yesterday, I'm on facebook -- my connection to the outside world since I am at home all day with 6 children under the age of 4. And what do I see:
That's right. Why not you? So what if you're just a mom, just a wife, just a normal every day person? You don't have to be someone special to the world. You're special to ME.
And I want to use YOU.
I am pretty good at using "common" people to do uncommon things. Remember Abraham? Remember Gideon? Remember Joseph? Remember Esther? Remember Peter? What about Paul, remember him? Need I remind you of more examples of how I work? Or do you get the idea? I'm really good at taking the foolish things of this world and using them to show My wisdom. I'm pretty good at using what the world considers a weakness to showcase My power and strength.
So, why not YOU? Why again can't I use you to accomplish My plans and purposes? Why can't I work in and through you to bring glory to My name? What's going to stop me? Not a little four-letter word, that's for sure. You may be "just" a mom, "just" a wife, "just" a normal, every day person, but I am anything but "just" a regular ol', run-of-the-mill God!
I am the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. I spoke and the stars appeared. With one breath, the planets were spinning and in orbit. At the sound of my voice, the mountains shake and the oceans roar.
I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I know all things -- when you sit and when you rise, when you go out and when you come back in. I orchestrate them all. Before time even began, I have known all that would take place.
I am the God who sees.
I am the God who hears.
I am the God who provides.
I am the God who protects.
I am the God who guides and leads and directs.
I am the way.
I am the truth.
I am the life.
I AM.
Okay, God. I think I am at least starting to get the idea! It's not about me. It's about YOU.
I surrender.
I give up.
I trust You.
I lay my life in Your hands to do with as You wish.
You are the Potter, and I am the clay.
Mold me, shape me.
Use me however and wherever You want. All for the glory and honor of Your name.
Then, it's as if He just whispered to me, drowning out all those lies from Satan, "Just you watch and see what I can do. I am after all the God who can do infinitely more than all you could dare to ask or hope or imagine or dream. Prepare to be amazed. Just you watch. Just you watch and see how I use you to bring glory to Me."
If can can use me, why can't He also use YOU?
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