Almost exactly a year ago, we attended the Celebration Service for Samuel Edward Allen.
Two precious little boys, both dearly loved.
Two hurting and grieving families, both hard-core, faith-filled believers who have committed to passionately and radically living for Jesus with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength.
Again, I find myself asking the question, "WHY?!"
And once again, there really is no true answer.
Yes, I understand in my head that it simply wasn't in God's plans to heal these boys. But WHY not?
Does God not tell us that He does only what is GOOD for His children, those who love and trust Him?
How is it not good to make them well and give them the opportunity to live long, full lives?
Does God not also promise that He will do what is BEST for us as we surrender ourselves to Him?
How is it best for these families to say good-bye to their sons so soon after they welcomed to the world?
So many questions.
So few answers.
Last year, Coralyn was too young to really grasp what was happening. Not this year.
And we've experienced quite a lot of death in our family recently. My grandma Ruth, my uncle Donald, our friend Cliff Johnson. And now Levi Ewing.
We have talked about heaven nearly every day in our house.
"Why is the funeral not up in the sky, Mommy?"
"When will we get to see Grandma Ruth and Jesus in heaven?"
"Why do bad people not go to heaven?"
"I believe in Jesus, Mommy, so I will be in heaven."
"When will Jesus come to take us to heaven?"
And the kicker:
"Why did Jesus take Levi to heaven right now?"
Um, well, my dear child, let me try to answer that one for you. This is all I could come up with:
"Jesus wanted Levi to be all better, so He brought Levi to heaven with Him so he could get well and never be sick again."
That satisfied her little mind, always going and thinking, for the time being. But not exactly my grown-up heart that still doesn't understand why in the world Jesus didn't choose to heal Levi this side of heaven.
At the service, Levi's dad shared a story from the Bible about how Jesus healed ONE man at a pool. This pool was where many sick, lame, blind, deaf, ill people would come in hopes of receiving healing. Here comes Jesus, the Master Healer, and they are all probably shouting and screaming and tapping their staffs or doing whatever they can to get His attention. This is their chance! This is their golden ticket to good health! Jesus walks up to this one man, asks him, "Do you want to be healed?"
Seems like the most ridiculous question ever, in my opinion, but the man did not answer with any sarcasm in his voice. Just a loud and clear, "YES!" And so, Jesus heals him. The man gets up, jumps for joy, and skips away praising Jesus. And we all rejoice with him.
But what about all those other people back at the pool? Still blind. Still lame. Still deaf. Still sick and dying. What about them? Why didn't Jesus heal them too? Isn't not like He had used up all His healing powers for the day. Isn't not like He didn't see or hear or notice them. So why? Why did He choose to not heal them too?
Levi's dad didn't have an answer either. He just assured us that those people were all TICKED OFF. And rightly so, don't you think?! I don't know about you, but I personally would be MAD! Angry. Frustrated. Discouraged. Full of despair. Jealous. Bitter.
And yet, last night at Levi's service, I didn't see a hint of any of those feelings in the Ewing family. Instead, I saw faith, hope, confidence, and get this...thankfulness!
I was doing pretty good throughout the service. I kept it together when Levi's dad Nathan shared how Levi was a gift, how he was a lover, and how he connected their family together in a special way. I did fine watching the slide show of pictures of Levi's short life. I even did okay while we sang the hymn "It Is Well with My Soul." But then, Levi's mom Alicia closed the service in prayer, I completely lost it.
As she not once, not twice, not three times, but over and over again used phrases like, "I'm so thankful," and "I'm grateful," and "Thank You, Jesus," and "We praise You, Jesus," I was a mess. Tears running freely down my face, unable to contain my emotions any longer. And Alicia wasn't just saying all the right things that a good, Christian woman should say. These words were coming from the depth of her heart, or as our Worship Pastor Bil put it earlier that day when he challenged us to sing with everything we had at the morning service, "from your colon." She really, truly meant every word.
Yes, she is hurting.
Yes, she misses her son, greatly.
Yes, she is in pain.
BUT, her faith in God, and her love for Jesus have not once wavered (at least not in public). She has remained so strong, firm and steadfast in her passion to make Jesus' name known, to spread His glory, to make Him famous, to draw others to Him. She has "kept her eyes on Jesus" and continues to "run the race set before her," no matter how rocky and steep and treacherous her path has been recently. God has surely "set her feet on solid ground and steadied her as she walks along" (Psalm 40:2). That's the only explanation for how Alicia has been able to face this huge loss in the way she has.
When I got to Alicia after the service, she was smiling and thanking people for coming, telling them how much that meant to their family. Here I am, balling and trying to wipe away my tears. I am supposed to be the one comforting her, not the other way around. All I could do was hug her and let her know how much I admired her and her faith. As I go to hug her 4 other kids, she tells Lawrence how amazing I am.
I don't know about that. I feel pretty lousy and inadequate most days. But what both Alicia and I do have in common is our Jesus. And no matter what, He is the same. He is always and forever present, strong and ready to help. He is always and forever GOOD, taking care of us and lavishing His love on us (even in times when we don't like or understand what He's doing, even in times when we are hurting and experiencing the most difficult situation ever).
I still don't know why exactly God chose not to heal Levi this side of heaven, as so many of us prayed, begging Him to do.
But two things I do know:
First, God did answer Levi's parents' prayer that they prayed from the moment they found out he was growing in Alicia's womb:
“The purpose of my covenant with the Levites was to bring life and peace,
and that is what I gave them.
This required reverence from them,
and they greatly revered me and stood in awe of my name.
They passed on to the people the truth of the instructions they received from me.
They did not lie or cheat;
they walked with me, living good and righteous lives,
and they turned many from lives of sin.
“The words of a priest’s lips should preserve knowledge of God,
and people should go to him for instruction,
for the priest is the messenger of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies."
~Malachi 2:5-7
Second, God has done just what He promised in Psalm 40:3
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
So, I may be trying to make sense of everything, and failing miserably, but God is still God. As I read in Psalm 46 this morning, "He is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Instead of asking more questions and trying to figure everything out in my pea-sized brain, I need to "be still and know that He is God, that He will be honored in every nation, exalted throughout the entire world."
Ironically enough, Psalm 46 ends with this:
The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.
May our Warrior-Ninja God be with Team Ewing (for King Jesus) today and in the many days to come!
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