Inside Outside Upside Down

Perhaps you have read the book about Brother Bear (of the Berenstain Bears) who travels to town in a box, on a truck. If you haven't read the story before, I will give you a brief summary (which is really about as long as the book itself): Brother Bear climbs inside a box that is then taken outside and loaded upside down onto a truck going to town, but before the truck reaches town, the box falls off and Brother Bears climbs out right side up. He runs home and tells Mama Bear, "I went to town. Inside, Outside, Upside Down!"

I kind of feel like Brother Bear. I feel like my life is being turned inside out and upside down. I know that I will land right side up, but for now it kind of just feels like I am still falling off the truck and bouncing along the road.

Today, as we were driving to a big hill to go sledding (got to make the most of this snow day!), a song came on the radio that I can really relate to right now.

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly

In that short chorus, Sanctus Real expressed perfectly what I am feeling, what I am thinking. In those four lines, they neatly summed up all my messy, tangled, jumbled thoughts and emotions.

Why, oh why, did I lose my precious baby?

What good is going to come of this?

Why does it still hurt so much even after a month has gone by? Will the pain ever go away?

I know I said that I would like to do something other than daycare for a job, but didn't You understand I meant next year, not right now? So why are half of my daycare kiddos leaving this month? At the same time?

God, do You not realize that is half of my income?

How are You going to provide for us? Don't You realize we were counting on that money when we planned our budget?

I thought You gave the okay for me to get my Bradley certification so I could start teaching childbirth classes, so why don't I have people calling to take my classes?

Did I waste all that money? Did I not hear You right?

Why does Liberty have to be making budget cuts that affect Lawrence's salary right now? Isn't there some other way they can save money?

Don't You realize that we were counting on him getting credit for those grad school hours he has now?

What in the world are You doing?

What do You have planned for us?

Do You even have a plan?

What are You trying to teach us? What is the point of all this?

Is there a point?

When are we going to stop bouncing along and land right side up?

I know that God has a plan and that it is a good one. I know that He knows what He is doing. But I would like to know as well. I would like to know what He is doing and why. I would like to know how it's all going to turn out.

Deep down, I know that God is teaching us something: to trust Him and rely completely on Him. For as we come to the end of ourselves only then can we depend fully on Him. And I know that through all of this God is drawing us closer and closer to Himself. He is shaping us into the people He created us to be. He is making us more like Jesus.

All these are good things. But that doesn't take away from the fact that they are hard. I still feel like my life is being turned inside out and upside down. And I still want to know when we are going to land right side up and see for ourselves what God was doing and why it was for the best.

But for now I just have to trust that He is "up to something bigger than me." Something that is "larger than life." "Something heavenly."