Catch 22

I have so many things running through my head right now, so forgive me if this blog doesn't make sense. At least I warned you up front.

Now to try to organize my thoughts into a blog that you can actually understand. :)

First, Coralyn is now 22 months old. Which is quite easy to remember (for this week at least), because I am 22 weeks along in the pregnancy! Both of my girls are growing steadily! Coralyn is adding more words to her vocabulary each day, and it seems as if she is able to do so much more as well. She has become quite the swimmer and loves to swim "all by herself." She kicks her legs and has just started to use her arms too. She can climb up on the couch without help, and somehow she can reach things in her room that I didn't think she could :) The best part of all is that she has adjusted amazingly to our crazy life the past several months. She did fantastic at camp and hasn't missed a beat since we got back, even though we added an 11-year boy to the family! Coralyn has taken to Shadow like he has lived with us forever. She even grabs him by the hand and says, "Come here," pulling him wherever it is that she wants to go. She loves playing cars with him or "helping" him play the Wii. She is thrilled that Shadow likes to swim, which has meant almost daily trips to the community center's pool. I think she also enjoys having someone else sit with her in the backseat of the car :) I am so thankful that Coralyn is as flexible as she is and just jumps right in to whatever our life brings. And speaking of being flexible, the girl can do the splits! :)

The little one inside is doing well and growing like she's supposed to be. I can feel her kick more and more, and I just know that any day now Lawrence will be able to feel her movements as well. December seems like such a long ways away, but we will just have to be patient and wait until the time is right to meet our newest addition!

Now on to the jumbled mess of thoughts that are running through my head. Since Tuesday I don't think I have been able to relax or breathe easily, even when I am sleeping. Given Shadow's background, we have to be very careful about everything it seems. I am always worried about what he's doing or what could happen or how in the world things are going to look come tomorrow when Lawrence goes back to work and Shadow is "stuck" at home with Coralyn and me all day. I have a deep sense of responsibility and my heart is heavy with all that Shadow has been through and how that affects the way he thinks and acts now. He's had 12 years to learn the ways of the world, and he has learned them well, too well. I pray earnestly for God to work in his heart and break away at the hardness and darkness that is there, but I know that will take time, lots and lots of it. It hasn't even been a week, and I am already so exhausted and ready to say that I just can't do this anymore. But I'm not a quitter and I know that God has brought Shadow to our house for a reason. I know that this is the right thing to do, and just yesterday I read, "Never grow weary in doing good." Oh God, give me strength, and wisdom, and everything else I need to raise a toddler and a preteen! :)

Although the past 5 days have been busy and draining in every way possible, God has been at work. In me, in my heart. And guess who He's been using to teach me these lessons? Coralyn and Shadow, of course!

I am so proud of Coralyn for adjusting so well and welcoming Shadow to our family. She loves him unconditionally and has accepted him without question. Oh to have the innocence of a two-year old! Unfortunately, I don't have that privilege right now. I have to be weary of his background and all the baggage that comes with it. I have to be wise. I can't just ignore his past and welcome him open-armed with no restraints or reservations. And yet at the same time, I wish that I didn't know anything about Shadow except that he needs my love. So I am trying to figure out how to be "innocent as a dove, but wise as a serpent." I am working on loving like a child, but having the wisdom of an adult. This one may take awhile. How thankful I am though that God loves and accepts me, with my baggage and all! That He has welcomed me into His home, given me complete freedom (knowing all along that I will make poor choices and mess up), trusted me (again, knowing that I am not totally trustworthy), and loved me unconditionally (forgiving me of my past and wiping away all my sins). It's like Pastor Michael talked about today. Only as I recognize how much I owe God (EVERYTHING!), can I truly appreciate the cross. I may not have the background Shadow does, but I am still a sinful wretch. And the only reason I am not still in that position is because God, in His infinite grace, has saved me and rescued me from darkness. I pray that rather than judging Shadow (or his family) for his past, that I will look past his sin (like God has done with me) and simply show him the love of Jesus.

This leads to another thing that God has been teaching me, mainly through Shadow. Shadow idolizes his dad, even though his dad has not been a good role model or there for him throughout most of his life. Shadow's deepest desire is to be reunited with his dad and live with him, forever. I wonder, why in the world does this child want to be with his dad at all? Why hasn't Shadow given up on him? Doesn't he realize how much better he has it here at our house, with people who love him and care for him and want what is best for him? Doesn't he see how our friends (complete strangers to him) care more about him than his own family seemingly does? Why in the world does Shadow want to go back to such an awful situation when he has it so good here? I don't get it, at all. Then, at church this morning, God showed me how I am just like Shadow. How many times do I prefer the things of this world over my God? How often do I choose want I want over the good things that God has to give me? Don't I get caught up in my desires and deceive myself into thinking that whatever the world has to offer is better than what God has made available to me? I know that my thoughts aren't always on heaven, or things above, but rather focused on the stuff of this world. And God is crying out for me to come to Him, to sit on His lap, to enjoy the fullness of His kingdom. He probably wonders why in the world I choose the temporal, momentary junk the world has to offer over the eternal, glorious riches He wants to give me. I bet He doesn't get it, at all.

Yet He still loves me and keeps offering His best to me.

And so that is what I must do as well. Like we sang in church today, "I will pour out my praise." I will give my all to live for God, emptying myself (knowing that God will keep refilling me, everyday) so that Shadow (and Coralyn) can see firsthand what Jesus' love looks like.

I know that was a lot, and I hope it made sense. If you made it this far, thanks for letting me verbally vomit and attempt to process all the random thoughts that are going through my head. And as always, we appreciate your prayers!