So, while I can, I want to expand on my post this morning.
The entire devotion "got" me when I read it, but certain parts really struck a nerve.
If you know me at all, you know I am competitive. Really competitive. I like to win, and I really don't like to lose (honestly, who does?!). The situation doesn't matter; I want to win. Whether we are playing a casual game of backyard volleyball or competing in an actual tournament, I want to win. Lawrence and I even make up games to see who will win. Ridiculous games. We try to touch each other's teeth to get points. Like I said, ridiculous.
Today's devotion is titled "Winning My Way." God explains that winning, in HIS book, doesn't mean being the best or coming out on top. Or what spoke to me personally, winning isn't "being in total control." Not only am I competitive and like to win, but I also like to be in control. I like to know what is going to happen, when and where it's going to take place, who's going to be involved, and anything else I feel is important. I need details. Uncertainty is not my friend. It scares me. And so I am a planner. Having a plan gives me purpose and helps me feel like I am in control.
However, if I am going to play by God's rules striving to be in control makes me a loser. And I hate to lose!
So I had better change my definition of winning. Like Young says in the devotion, God says I am a true winner when "I let God have total control." God has really been showing me this lately. I feel like the theme of my life recently has been surrender. I have had to give up my plans and ideas of what I thought would be great for our family. Not only that, I have been waiting for God to show me what His plans are. He hasn't exactly been quick to do that, at least not in my mind. And so, I have had to be patient, to accept that I don't know what the future holds, and to be okay with this uncertainty. The only answer God seems to give me when I ask what He wants for me is for me to trust Him, to believe that He really does have everything under control and is doing what is best for us. Thus, the only thing I know for sure is that God does have a plan and that He will guide me through it, one step at a time. My job isn't to know all the details. God's got that covered. All I have to do is follow His lead.
It's like Young knew exactly what has been going on inside my heart and mind when she writes that God defines winning as "admitting that you need Him an then trusting Him to lead you."
Then she goes even further, as if she knows me personally (we do have the same name) and my tendency to come up with a wonderful plan (in my mind), immediately go to work to make that plan happen, and then almost as an afterthought ask God to bless me and my perfect little plan. I have gotten things backward. And I'm still not truly surrendering to God. I'm not actually letting Him be in control. I'm not admitting that I need Him because I am still trying to figure everything out on my own. And I'm certainly not trusting Him to lead me because I am running out ahead of Him, gung-ho about whatever latest idea popped into my head and seemed like a good thing to do at the time.
Young hits the nail on the head when she writes, "Don't just ask God to bless what you have already decided to do. Ask Him what He wants for you." I truly feel like I have been doing that, more than ever before. And not just asking Him, but actually waiting for an answer from Him. That's been the hard part: I don't feel like He has given a definite answer yet. And so, I have been scared, worried, fearful, doubtful as I wait, as the uncertainty creeps into my heart and mind. At the same time, however, I have been excited, full of anticipation, as I wait for God to show me His plans. I am learning that His plans are always better than mine and that if I let Him have control and lead me in His way that He will blow me away with the amazing things He does in my life.
Once again Youngs' words spoke directly to me, "God may fill your heart with a dream that seems impossibly far beyond your reach. And that dream will be bigger than anything you can do on your own. But remember, nothing is beyond God's reach."
I still dream of becoming a published author some day. I don't know if this is my dream or God's plan. I am still waiting to find out. But I do know that either way being an author is something too big for me to accomplish on my own. I have to have God's help to make this dream a reality. For now, I just write blog posts...
Recently, I have become more and more interested in childbirth. I love teaching classes and am excited to have the opportunity to doula for a friend when she has her baby come February. But, I have thought about going beyond that, at some point, and becoming an actual midwife. Again, this is a dream way too big for me to accomplish on my own. I don't even know if this is an idea from God or just something I thought up in the days immediately following Kellah's birth. For now, I will just keep on teaching classes and hopefully get more doula experience...
I dream of going back overseas. Where? I don't know. Doing what exactly? I don't have the details worked out :) It's just an idea that won't go away. Both Lawrence and I have the desire to serve overseas, but we are still waiting on God to make the path very clear to us. Until then, Lawrence will keep on teaching and I will keep on mommying...
The passage Young suggests that you read on your own is Psalm 34:17-18, reminding us that God hears those who call out to Him and is ready to rescue them. He is close to the brokenhearted and heals those who need comforting.
I thought of Psalm 37:3-7,
"Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you.
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, and your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act..."
I guess my New Year's resolution is to live out these verses. Last year the passage that made the deepest impression on me was Hebrews 12:1-2, challenging me to keep my eyes on Jesus and run the race before me, at all times...even when I didn't like what was happening or know what was going to come at me next. Fittingly, Young opened today's devotion with the verse, "But we live by faith, not by what we see." As I wait, in what I feel like is the dark unknown at times, for God to show us His plans I must remember to apply Paul's words to my life.
I will have to give up control.
I will have to admit I need God, desperately.
I will have to trust Him to lead me, one step at a time.
I will have to become a loser, in my book. Only then can I truly win. Luke 9:23-25
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