What's Wrong with Me?

A few days ago, a friend of mine shared a blog post on facebook about not complaining.  In the blog, the writer addressed how so many people use their facebook status to complain about trivial matters from the barking dog next door to their own crying babies to the long lines in the grocery store.  I don't personally know the author, but I appreciated her boldness is confronting this growing epidemic of using social media to "vent."  I agreed with her and shared the post on my facebook page as well.

So, now as I sit down to write my own blog post, I want to make sure I do not come across as complaining.  I simply want to be open and honest, sharing my thoughts and feelings about my present circumstances.  Wait a second, you may interject, "That's sounds quite a lot like 'venting' to me."  True, ture, but that is not my intent at all.  Instead, I hope to instill hope and encourage others, especially my brothers and sisters in Christ, to turn to our Heavenly Father and stand firm in our faith, no matter what life seems to throw our way.

Honestly, I have been struggling to do that myself lately.  I have felt overwhelmed, frustrated, discouraged, doubtful, confused, and perhaps even slightly depressed.  I am tired of grieving with friends, as I would much rather rejoice with them.  Who wouldn't prefer laughing so hard that you cry tears of joy and maybe even pee your pants over sobbing and weeping to the point you don't have any more tears left?  

This morning I am once again fighting against our invisible, yet very present, enemy.  Satan just doesn't seem to let up.  He's relentless in his attempt to knock me out and then drag me through the mud.  

I am physically exhausted, having seen every hour on the clock last night.  I feel like my body should be used to this routine by now, after 7.5 months of not getting more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep on a regular basis.  

On top of my fatigue, I have been battling an unknown "illness" that leaves me weak, light-headed, and sick to my stomach day after day.  At times I can't even walk from the couch to the kitchen without needing to stop at the counter and rest for a few seconds.  In an attempt to prevent these dizzy spells, I drink plenty of water (so much so that I make a visit to the bathroom at least once an hour!) and eat small high-protein snacks throughout the day.  I am still taking my prenatal vitamins since I am nursing Kellah, so I am getting plenty of iron, B vitamins, and all those other nutrients that are supposed to help me feel great.  On top of that, I take a B-complex vitamin and an Omega-3 vitamin.  My "diet" consists mainly of fresh fruits and vegetables.  I even make my own juice with them on a daily basis!  We eat beef from grass-fed cattle, deer that Lawrence or his brother shot themselves, fish, and chicken.  I get plenty of protein from eggs, nuts, and yogurt as well.  Yet, nothing that I do seems to help.  I can eat a nutritious bowl of oatmeal, blueberries, and pecans -- along with 2 eggs -- for breakfast and just 30 minutes later feel like I haven't had any food for days.  I desperately want to exercise on a daily basis, but when I have to summon up the strength and energy to simply play with Coralyn and Kellah, going for even a short walk is out of the question.

And so, I am left wondering, "What's wrong with me?"  I desperately want to feel better, but when I don't know what's wrong, it's hard to know what to fix.  At a loss of what else to do, I have begun a gluten-free experiment.  For at least the next two weeks, I won't be eating any wheat, barley, rye or soy sauce or malt or anything else with gluten.  We already eat brown rice, but we'll trading our whole wheat pasta and flour for things like quinoa, amaranth, and buckwheat.  I even bought some rice cakes to replace my multigrain bread -- it's not quite the same, BUT if it helps make me feel better, I am more than willing to give up a few slices of bread.  I've even decided to eliminate peanuts from my diet, which means no peanut butter!  And if you know me, that is a very, very, very BIG deal!  I LOVE peanut butter and consider it a food group all its own!  However, I was doing some research on-line and read that peanuts that contribute to adrenal fatigue and hypothyroidism.  I'm not for certain I actually have those "conditions," but I do seem to have quite a few of the symptoms.  So why not go ahead and give up peanut butter...it's not like it's going to cause me any harm!

I am on day 5 of this new eating regime and still don't feel any better, but I am not going to give up.  Just this morning, as I was brushing my hair, I felt light-headed and nauseous.  I had to take a second or two to let the shaky feeling go away.  Again, as I was taking a small load of laundry downstairs, I had to pause until I wasn't dizzy anymore.  I wanted to cry, but instead I started singing, "Why so downcast, oh my soul?  Put your hope in God, put your hope in God.  He's the lifter of my countenance, oh I will never be afraid!"  That made me think of the lyrics to Matt Redman's "Oh No You Never Let Go!"

Fitting, as just yesterday I blogged about not letting fear get the best of me.  Like I said, it's an on-going, seemingly never-ending battle.  I'm in the ring yet again, Satan bringing his best one-two punch combo.  God is helping me block his deadly blows, filling my mind with Scriptures like Psalm 42 and Psalm 43.

And so, as God "directs His love towards me," I will "fix my eyes" on Jesus and praise Him, my God and Savior, my Rock and Fortress, my Shield and Deliverer.  I am reminded as well of my life passage, Psalm 62.  As I rest in God and wait for Him to act, I will hope in Him alone.  Thus, I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN.

My frown has turned upside down.  God has "put a smile on my face" as He has helped turn my sorrow to praise.  I may not feel any better physically, but my heart is definitely on the mend!