I got to visit with Grace and Brian a little bit today.

Right after Samuel was born, a MealTrain was started, and by the time I got around to visiting the site, the first available date for me to sign up was today. When I added my name to the list and marked April 2 on my calendar, I had no idea that I would be taking a meal to the Allens just 2 days after they said good-bye to their precious baby boy.

Needless to say, I knew the Allens needed more than just food, but honestly, I didn't know what to say or not say. I didn't have any magic words. I certainly wish that I could snap my fingers and everything would be all better. But, unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

I wasn't even sure if I would have the opportunity to talk with the family at all. I know that their hearts are still raw and they need time alone to grieve and mourn and comfort each other as a family. I was ready to just put the food on the porch, ring the doorbell to let them know supper had arrived, and drive away. Brian and Grace came to the door, though, and were kind enough to let me spend some time with them.

Coralyn and Micah, the Allens 2-year old (almost) son, played in the front yard. The ground was covered with "helicopters" which Micah wanted to make fly, over and over again. Here is Grace, kneeling down and showing Coralyn how to make the "helicopter" fly and then spin to the ground again. Just then the wind blew and hundreds of "helicopters" came fluttering down all at once. "That was a God present for us, wasn't it?!" Grace exclaims. In the midst of her pain and sadness, she finds joy in the little things. Even in her hurt, she was able to worship.

A bit later, we were talking on the porch while the kidlets climbed Micah's playhouse and went down the slide. Grace was sharing with me about some of the families she met while in the NICU. Some got to go home with their babies, rejoicing. Others, like her, didn't get to take their babies home and left empty-handed and brokenhearted. Still others haven't left yet; they are waiting for their babies to get better. Waiting and praying. And so Grace says with tears in her eyes, "If God lays it on your heart, pray for Baby David and his family." Each morning they hold their breath, wondering if their son is going to make it another day. "He's so precious," Grace assures me. Yet again, I am blown away. She has just lost her baby, and she is asking me to pray for someone else. Her heart is so tender.

And I will pray for Baby David and his family, for sure. But I will also keep praying for Grace and Brian, daily. I can't even begin to imagine the emotions they are experiencing. "I just wanted to bring him home." What can I say? "I wanted to hear his little feet running through the hall." Grace knows the distinct sound of each of her children's pitter patters, and she wanted to learn what Samuel's feet would sound like when as he made his way around the house. Again, what do you say? I flat out told Grace, "I don't know what to say except that I am so sorry." She let me know that was okay, that she just needed someone to be sad with her. That I can do.

With my sadness, though, comes prayer. And so I asked Grace how I could be praying for her, for Brian, for the family. She was so transparent. She didn't ask for strength or comfort or anything of that nature. No, she asked for help in fighting against anger. She doesn't want to walk down that road. She has before, she told me, and she doesn't want to go there again. Instead, she wants God to use her to bring glory to His name. She wants the words to say so that others come to Jesus. When Samuel was in the hospital they would cry out for God to wake him up, and God seemed to respond, "Look at all the souls I am waking up through this, through your son." And it was true; many people joined together in prayer, some for the first time ever. We grew bolder in our faith. We become more and more desperate for God Himself. Grace doesn't want that to stop, for people to go back to sleep spiritually, for people to doubt God or question Him. Even though God didn't answer our prayers the way we wanted, Grace longs to see God get massive amounts of glory. That was what she asked me to pray for, of all things!

I totally understand having to fight against being mad at God. I have been there before. I am there now really, and I'm not even the one who lost her baby. When we had our miscarriage in 2010, I wanted to shake my fists at God, to punch Him in the face if I am going to be honest. I was hurt and confused. I wanted answers, but all I seemed to get was silence. Then, as if God was whispering in my ear, He reminded me that He shares my pain, that in fact He has experience every emotion I was at the time. "But You haven't lost a child!" I screamed back. "Um, yes I have. I gave up my one and only Son, to die on the cross, for YOUR sins. So I do know what it's like to lose a child. I do. And I am here for You now, to comfort you and heal your wounded heart."

In one of my other blogs I posted the words to a song by Mercy Me. Grace said she had read the lyrics over and over again, but was having a hard time with "God is close to the brokenhearted." So, so true. When we are hurting and nothing makes sense, it's hard to feel God's presence, to be filled with that peace He promises. Rather, you think you are all alone. You are tired. Weak. In the dark. Helpless. Fearful. And that is exactly what Satan wants.

Speaking of Satan, I really want to punch him in the face, and then kick him in the ribs while he's down. I have had enough of him and his antics. I am sick and tired of situations like this and ready for Jesus to come back, to put an end to all these tears. Then Satan can go to hell, and stay there!

Until then, though, I have to choose to trust God, to believe "He who began a good work will complete it." Grace told me that's what she is doing, or trying very hard to do. I have to accept that God's plans are better than mine, that He will use this for good, and bring glory to His name through it all. If Grace can do that, then surely I can too.

And as we do, I believe God will be glorified.